The Chain Letter Child
Presenting for your entertainment:
The Chain Letter Child!
Hi,
I'm Amy.
No, Jessica,
No, Jessie.
No, Rachel.
No, Tamara - wait, it's Kayla!
What was my last name again? Bruce? No,
I think it was Anderson or Arlington. No, it was
Winslet
No, sorry, it was Mydek - no, it's Martin - no,
sorry, that was two weeks ago.I t's Whightman now!
I'll keep acquiring new names in order to do my
best at keeping ahead of the hoax radar so that anyone hoping to prove anything
won't be able to search me out on any hoax-busting site! Darn Snopes,
Breakthechain and others always seem to catch on way too quickly as it
is!
My name is Amy Amanda Alexandra Jessica Jessie
Kayla Lanisha Nathalie Nikisha Rachel Tamara Anderson Arlington Bruce Mydek
Jackson Johnson Martin Whightman. Winslet.
I'm also the kid who goes missing every two weeks
for the past ten years, just call me Brown...Penny Brown.
And the same one who keeps coming down with some
rare fictional condition that gives me only six months to live. In that form, I
like to call myself Rachel Arlington, Jessica Mydek, Amy Bruce and many others.
When I decide to be Rachel
I'm ten month years old.
As Kayla Wightman I am a teenager.
As Jessica Mydek I am 7.
I started out as 7 year old Amy Bruce with tumors
caused by beatings and then go on to tell you that the people who beat me now
suddenly want me to live, and only your forwarded emails can save
me.
Whenever I decide to change my identity, I change
my story a little as well to make you think you are saving many children by
passing on chain letters.
Sometimes I want you to be sorry for me because of
a brain cancer called leukaemia.
Other times I am afflicted with severe
ostriopliosis of the liver, a fictional condition that I tell you has inflamed
my liver and left me in extreme agony.
Since 1996, I am Sometimes a scared little three
year old girl named Misty or Sarah, with large frightened eyes, and I tell you
that I think I am ugly and stupid. My father beats me to death every night. I
get beaten every time I get passed around in a poem written by Misty Nicole
Ramsey, and my only purpose is to depress you with images of child abuse and all
the children you didn't save who died like I do.
And I'm Chad Carter, and I live on a news satire
and spoof web site called the onion. My story is that I'm dying and I'm draining
a wish-granting charity of all their money by wishing for more
wishes.
I've been pulling the six months to live stunt for
the past decade at least, and people still buy into it.
I'm also the dead girl who sometimes threatens to
kill you if you refuse to pass on a chain letter, then you can call me Amanda,
or Bloody Mary.
I can change my gender at will, so I might revisit
you again as Matt Dawson, Jeff DeLeon, Rhyan Desquetado, or Christopher John
Mineo JR and try to make you do what I want.
I'll sometimes take on the role of any sad or
angelic child in the poems and essays of other people to do it; even if these
writers didn't give me permission and they are stripped of their proper credit
as the author.
The best way I know to get people passing on chain
email is by threatening to die if they don't, and by telling them they are
heartless if they refuse.
I'm also every poor child from the bogus site
medicaladoptions.com. This site topsToby Rabit and Bonzai kitty by a thousand
miles for deliberately stirring up outrage over fictional
situations.
Medical adoptions says that us poor kids want to be
adopted and that they are placing us with families who want to use us as organ
donors in the event they ever need them. Yes, we are being sold for our
organs.
We are the kids from the Platinum
Package.
I am a 15 year old orphan named Natia Budzianowski
from the country of Georgia and I was sexually exploited for years.
I am 17 year old Kristof Gorbodon from the Czech
Republic. I was born during unrest and never knew my family and don't want to.
I'm very good with my hands and very caring and I want to be a male
nurse.
I am 11 year old Masha Gorbechova from Russia. My
mom died in childbirth and my father died in an industrial accident 6 years ago.
I like to play with dolls. I want a loving family to help me learn to take baths
and take my antibiotics when I donate my organs.
I'm 12 year old Vladimir Corbu from Romania. I am
the bastard child, (yes, the web site says it in so many words,) of an alleged
military serviceman and a working class factory mother. I don't remember a world
where families were the norm. I love to read and especially color books in
different languages.
We are the Gold Package.
I am 8 year old Meagan Lin from North Korea. I'm a
precious angel who was born during war and bounced around through many factories
because of the benevolence and kindness of the state sponsors, but I dream of a
family that I can give myself to.
I'm 11 year old Xian Ne Cha from China. Please call
me Shena. I don't know where my parents are. I'm sick of rice. I want
pasta.
I'm 16 year old John Lee from China. I'm a strong,
strapping, handsome boy, and one of the very few males available for adoption
from China, because of my severe learning disabilities and lack of thumbs. But I
have a limited command of the English language. I love pets and want to learn
more about cooking, cleaning, and being a faithful household
servant.
I'm 9 year old Syung-Soo Yoo from South Korea. I
was rescued by customs agents during "mule" work in 2006. I'm living happily in
a not so run down home in the suburbs of Seoul. I've learned how to knit, weave,
assemble small parts onto toys and various other items, and look forward to
learning the skills of coloring and hugging a loving parent. But I'm living
happily where I am, so don't want to move to a different country and away from
everything I know.
I'm 14 year old Muriel Hu from Singapore. My mom is
an infamous criminal but that's because Singapore makes breathing the wrong way
a crime. The state is looking for her and offering a reward. I am a "genuinely
gendered" person, despite the prevalence of those who live otherwise in
Singapore, and would enjoy a family situation where I can maintain my gender,
regardless of what other conditions are placed upon me. Don't ask me to explain
that because I have no idea myself.
We are the Bronze Package kids.
I'm 14 year old Maria Garcia from Paraguay. I lived
on the family farm but lost my parents in a flood last year. I wasn't an orphan
for very long, so I'll quickly assimilate back into a traditional family unit.
and don't worry! I am very pretty for my young age! I enjoy reading the Bible,
darning my undergarments, and arranging flowers from anything that grows
locally.
I'm 6 year old Angela Garciapara from Mexico. I
don't know anything about my family or background, but I am a dedicated
Catholic, already baptized and well on my way to confirmation. I have thick,
dark hair, and flawless kidneys.
I am 9 year old Jorge Gorda from Colombia. I don't
know if my parents are involved in regional conflicts, but I like to play with
toy guns.
I am 13 year old Jesus De La Cruz from Panama. I'm
from a small fishing village less than twenty-miles from the famous
transcontinental canal. I am a good boy and wish to learn to paint or
sculpt.
I'm 11 year old Mario Gutierrez from Mexico. I was
picked up along with my mom in a failed border-crossing attempt. You see, my mom
got a urinary tract infection, and tried to get to Arizona for some health
coverage. She died weeks later in state custody. Now I ended up in the care of a
Catholic orphanarium.
We are the kids from the Onyx Pricing
Package!
BEST VALUE!
BEST VALUE!
I'm 5 year old Abbhu Mbutu from Zambia. My village
was burned down and I've been living in terrible conditions in a
minimum-security orphanage. But I'm an avid drummer with a strong natural sense
of rhythm and harmonics. And I know all about harmonics at five years of age,
aren't I something?
I'm 2 year old Bngu Hjritnun from Niger. I'm sweet,
little, and I have perfect health even though it's clear I got no parents. I
have uncommonly big lips but if you adopt me, that won't rub off on you and some
people like my big lips for personal reasons.
I'm 8 year old Amarosya Krubizik from Mozambique.
I'm a curiously masculine girl and I have strong bones, and would like nothing
more than to share my blood and/or marrow with a gracious, loving family member.
If you're looking for the loving contribution of scarcer tissues, I may be an
ideal child to introduce into your family, assuming a tissue match can be
made.
I'm 6 year old Mriko Adomgono from Zimbabwe. I
became a lost child after an internet crackdown in 2003. I took to the streets
where I lived on petty crime and lesser fraud and remember I'm only six years
old! Anyway, I did that until I was taken in by a family of grifters or was that
drifters? Anyway, they supported me but I was too much of a drain on their
pocket book so they left me on my own again. I love magic, illusion, and all
sorts of slight of hand tricks, and may make a good living some day as a street
performer, even if I lose some of my internal organs.
I'm 19 year old Zroto "Jacob" Ngunu from Zimbabwe.
I know I'm in the waning seconds of adoption opportunity because I'm only 2
years away from being a legal adult in the US and already an adult in Canada.
But I've never worked in the sex-trade or consumed so much as a snoot of alcohol
or illicit drug. I have a solid constitution, perfect health, and never had
Malaria or West Nile virus, despite near constant exposure to mosquitoes. I am
very strong and more than six feet tall. I would love to work on any number of
odd jobs around my new home, but time is running out for me to get
adopted.
Some of the fictional parents who bought a few of
us say:
"I couldn't get to the top of the donor list
because of medical situations I live with, so I went through these guys instead,
and in less than a month I had a beautiful, new daughter, and the exact
intestines I needed to live out the rest of my life. We're the best of friends
now, and she's attending community college here in town."
David G. – Palm Beach, Florida.
"Even though I'm in good health, I have a number of
health risks and can't face the risks of long donor lists. My young son from
Uzbekistan is smart, ambitious, loving, and young enough that I'm sure to be
safe until he turns 18 in 2022."
Micah J. – Medina, Washington
"My husband and I can't have a child of our own any
more than he could grow a new gal bladder, but since his spleen was already
gone, our options were limited. A friend recommended this company, and within
just two months we had a loving baby to fix our lives forever."
Dory J. – Aspen, Colorado.
I like to pack the hardest emotional wallop as
possible so you'll think I might be for real, and I can continue to sadden
people with my sob stories.
That way, I can indulge in my favorite passtime,
calling insults, fooling and mega-guilt-tripping people into passing on my
completely fictional life and death story! You see, I get a big charge out of
accusing everybody of not caring about children whenever they fail to pass on a
smarmy chain letter to bring tears to the eyes of all their contacts all over
the internet!
And the best part?
I've been getting away with this for years! Scott
free!
I like to see others take the heat for both being
gullible, and for not being gullible, and nobody has ever been able to catch me
yet!
Dipsy forwarder falls into their tissue box,
believing every one of my malarkey sad tales. Forwarder spams all their
contacts.
Maybe one or two contacts actually have enough
sense not to believe it, and the honesty to set their poor manipulated friend
straight.
Forwarder gets mad at the debunker for being
insensitive, or maybe just because the forwarder is embarrassed at having been
made a fool of.
Debunker gets mad at the forwarder for being a
twit, and then for trying to excuse their folly.
Forwarder eventually stops emailing debunker
because forwarder would rather go on believing in chain letters and passing them
on without having their sad heroic illusions about themselves and chain letters,
shattered.
So, did I make you cry?
Or did I just make you mad?
Did I make you mad at your foolish
friends?
Or did I make you mad at the person or people who
told you you've been had?
Hahahahahahaha!
