The Netizen

The "I RESCUED A HUMAN TODAY" Chain Letter

There's so much wrong with this that I don't even know where to begin.

It's a chain letter story which has been circulating since at least as far back as Nov. 17, 2008, when it first slobbered all over my screen. So this dog has been sitting in the kennel and "rescuing" the same woman every day, since then, for as many times as this story has been forwarded.

It's supposedly from the point of view of a homeless dog, who believes he has "rescued" a human simply by existing ever so sadly until she comes along to take him home.

Talk about anthropomorphism to the hilt. Not nearly enough detail was written to explain whether this dog is supposed to come from a pound or a breeder, (a favorite target for abuse by animal rescuers) but it seems to be a bid to put animal "rescue" back into a really phony altruistic light.

So...this dog "knew" this human needed help, and didn't want to show her he had a bad sad past, but was only concerned for her future - uh, this is a dog we're talking about, right?

Oh well, I guess my pets have "rescued" me too, many times.

They could've left everything out but the bare details of the human looking into the kennels and needing to get a pet, and the human/animal contact and affection, the tears in the woman's eyes at the joy of getting a pet, without all that other doggy-feely nonsense.

On a more serious note, the story appears to be touting "Adopt an animal from the SPCA! or "Rescue a dog from a bad kennel and boost his self-esteem!"

Let's get this straight, animals are not little fur people. They may show preference for one person over another, but please, a dog isn't going to wish to spare the feelings of the pound workers or try to hide his supposedly sad sad past from his new owner so she won't cry any more. A dog is not going to be concerned with his own future let alone that of any other being on this earth. A dog is an animal.

Warning, sickly soppy chain letter animal story below, read at your own risk. You may laugh at how pathetic it is, or you may get sucked in and cry over what you perceive as the dog's altruism, depending on which side of the common sense fence you're on.

--

----- Original Message -----
Sent: Monday, November 17, 2008 9:53 PM
Subject: I RESCUED A HUMAN TODAY

I RESCUED A HUMAN TODAY
Her eyes met mine as she walked down the corridor peering apprehensively into the kennels. I felt her need instantly and knew I had to help her.

I wagged my tail, not too exuberantly, so she wouldn't be afraid. As she stopped at my kennel I blocked her view from a little accident I had in the back of my cage. I didn't want her to know that I hadn't been walked today. Sometimes the shelter keepers get too busy and I didn't want her to think poorly of them.

As she read my kennel card I hoped that she wouldn't feel sad about my past. I only have the future to look forward to and want to make a difference in someones life.

She got down on her knees and made little kissy sounds at me. I shoved my shoulder and side of my head up against the bars to comfort her. Gentle fingertips caressed my neck; she was desperate
for companionship. A tear fell down her cheek and I raised my paw to assure her that all would be well.

Soon my kennel door opened and her smile was so bright that I instantly jumped into her arms. I would promise to keep her safe. I would promise to always be by her side. I would promise to do everything I could to see that radiant smile and sparkle in her eyes.

I was so fortunate that she came down my corridor.
So many more are out there who haven't walked the corridors. So many more to be saved. At least I could save one.

I rescued a human today.

Oddly enough, this was favorited by a Twilight fangirl.
http://stephanie.posterous.com/how-i-feel-about-the-twilight-saga

Edited here mostly for language and with a few other modifications, additions and omissions.

Essay on Twilight Part 1

Go to part 2 here:

http://netizen.posterous.com/essay-on-twilight-part-2

From this site:
http://twilightsucks.proboards81.com

The original article can be found at this url:
http://twilightsucks.proboards81.com/index.cgi?board=twilight&action=display&thread=220

« Are you a fan (or not)? Read my compiled rebuttals
by arzim the Administrator of
http://twilightsucks.proboards81.com

« Thread Started on Aug 9, 2008, 11:37am »

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Some of you have probably seen (if not read  ) my thread "Twi-Fans' Counterarguments: Rebuttals (and rants)" and it was suggested that I compile the various arguments in order to make them more accessible to readers (rather than having to slough through 8+ pages of comments, etc.).

I'm not ready to submit them to the site yet. I want to edit them first and, if necessary, include some preemptive counterarguments.

Additionally, I'd like to ask for suggestions. I'm running low on ideas for future arguments and I've really been enjoying putting these together, so feel free to go here to give me some more ideas.
http://twilightsucks.proboards81.com/index.cgi?board=twilight&action=display&thread=220

Index of Arguments (so far):

1. "Edward is abusive"
2. "Fantasy does not excuse a lack of realism"
3. "The books are sexist"
4. "The books (Twilight specifically) have no plot/character development"
5. "Bella and Edward are in lust, not love"
6. "Bella is an idiot (aka Meyer tells and doesn't show)"
7. "Imprinting IS sexual no matter what (aka imprinting is sexist and pedophilic)"
8. "The Twilight books send bad messages... and yes it is a big deal."
9. "Science: Why Nessie shouldn't exist."
10. "Science: Meyer botches it"
11. "Choice: What Bella doesn't have."

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I've edited the 'Edward is Abusive' example. Read the new version below and let me know if anything should be changed or added.

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Example 1:

Anti: “Edward is abusive”

Support for this argument includes the following (and this is just a quick list):

1. Edward is controlling and domineering
2. Edward has an unequal share of authority over the relationship
3. Edward threatens suicide
4. Edward manipulates Bella into marriage
5. Edward actively attempts to prevent Bella from seeing her friend (removes engine, has her kidnapped)
6. Edward encourages Bella’s isolation from others

Now, I’ve found that the most common argument in rebuttal for “Edward is abusive” is “But he only does it because he loves her” or “He’s trying to protect her” or “His intentions are good” or “He recognizes that he makes mistakes/overreacts”.

I’m going to address these arguments in two parts. First, in terms of semantics; that is, the actual actions and consequences in the series, and second I’ll deal with the abstraction of intentions versus actions.

1. What is abuse?

Edward may not seem abusive physically to Bella, but that doesn’t mean that he’s not still abusive. That is, he is emotionally and mentally abusive. And the fact that he’s a vampire has little or nothing to do with it and is altogether another problem to address later; Meyer is portraying a relationship between two people, and given the fact that Edward has a very human psyche (i.e. he experiences human emotions (anger, ‘love’, worry), human desires (sex), and was once in fact human) it is not a reasonable argument to simply excuse his bad behavior by simply arguing, “he’s a vampire, so it doesn’t count.” Yes, it does count!

So: abuse. What is it?

Wikipedia says:

Quote:An abusive relationship is an interpersonal relationship characterized by the use or threat of physical or psychological abuse. Abusive relationships are often characterized by jealousy, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, infidelity, sexual coercion, verbal abuse, broken promises, physical violence, control games and power plays.
 
Let’s break this definition down in terms of Edward and Bella.

Jealousy – If anything, Edward’s defining characteristic is in fact his jealousy. It is his jealousy (more than anything else) that instigates his abusive acts. He admits after the engine episode that the main reason for not wanting Bella to see Jacob was in fact his prejudice and jealousy, and that’s hardly the only instance of his jealousy.
Emotional withholding – The fact that Edward and Bella are supposed to share this incredible, transcendent relationship is undermined by the fact that rather than discuss his fears and uncertainties, Edward chooses to leave Bella at the beginning of New Moon. While it’s not a crime to end a relationship, the fact that Edward chose to do so in such a cowardly, cruel and unusual manner instead of explaining his feelings and emotions on the subject is pretty abusive.
Lack of intimacy – The intimacy issue is trickier when it comes to Edward and Bella. First, in terms of physical intimacy: the fact that Edward controls every single chaste little kiss AND withholds sex is incredibly controlling. That he does so supposedly to protect her is negated by the fact that he’s more than willing to sex her up once they’re married, even though she’s still a puny, fragile human (and she does get hurt). Their lack of emotional intimacy (again, with the above point about emotional withholding) is just as damaging (as referenced by Bella’s zombiefied state in New Moon.
Sexual coercion – Again, Edward controls every aspect of their sexual lives, against Bella’s will and in fact he demeans and treats her like a child when she attempts to sex him.
Broken promises – at the end of Twilight, Edward promises to stay with Bella no matter what. Yet at the beginning of New Moon, he massively overreacts to the supposed threat of danger and decides to break that promise, rendering Bella suicidal. Maybe this isn’t traditionally abusive, but it’s unnecessarily damaging.
Control games and power plays – All the above points serve the idea that Edward’s prevailing character (served by his jealousy) is controlling. And I don’t care how ‘powerful’ and ‘omniscient’ and ‘old and wise’ Edward is, when you’re in a romantic relationship with someone one partner cannot be completely dominating and the other submissive (unless it’s BDSM which is just sick and another subject entirely). It simply isn’t healthy, particularly when it’s supposed to be this ‘great love of all the ages’ and representative of an equal partnership.

2. Intentions

Let me just say this once to make it clear: intentions (good or bad) do not matter. It’s an instance of the classic phrase acta non verba, or “actions, not words.” It doesn’t matter if I tell you “I love you so much!” if I immediately follow that statement by trying to kill you. It doesn’t matter if I honestly DO love you and I STILL try to kill you; the action of attempted homicide still stands (and I’ll be charged with that) regardless of how I feel about it. If I kill someone and then say “I made a mistake” or “I loved him/her”, the fact that I feel bad about it in retrospect does not change the irreversible fact that I did, in fact, kill someone.

So if Edward removes the engine from Bella’s truck and then replaces it later, the fact that he replaces it later is irrelevant to the issue at hand; the fact that he performed the abusive act in the first place. I don’t care if he felt bad about it or changed his mind; he still performed the act to begin with.

If Edward only does anything “in order to protect Bella”, it’s again an instance of the irrelevance of intentions. Simply put, he doesn’t have the right to upend another person’s life or to attempt to control what that person does, even if he cares about them. It is not my roommate’s place to lock me in our room to prevent me from going out and getting trashed, even if she thinks she’s doing it to “protect me” or “because she cares about me.” Likewise, it isn’t Edward’s right to decide who Bella sees, when she sees him, where she sees him, and for how long. Just because he decided NOT to kidnap Bella for the weekend a second time doesn’t make the fact that he kidnapped her for a weekend for the first time moot.

Basically, intentions don’t matter. Actions matter. Even if Edward changes his mind or feels bad about it, that doesn’t erase the fact that he performed the act in the first place. If he feels bad about it, it doesn’t mean that his character isn’t an abusive one; you don’t judge a character based on the person he is by the end of the novel (or series); rather, you judge them (and form an understanding of them) by incorporating EVERYTHING you learn about them throughout the series. So while Edward DOES change and DOES make different decisions, his good decisions don’t negate the bad ones. He performs an abusive act = he is abusive, even if he feels bad about it. Capisce?

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Example 2:

Anti: “[x] doesn’t make sense”

For the sake of argument, you may replace “x” with the lack of realism (in terms of plot and setting and especially the various relationships), the sparkly issue, the biology issue, contradictions and hypocrisies, the abandonment of traditional vampire lore, etc.

The response to this is either
A) an attempt to prove that [x] makes sense using a minutiae of plot point and semantics;
B) “It’s fantasy; it doesn’t have to be realistic!”

Since point A varies from debate-to-debate, I’ll stick with point B for the time being.

“It’s fantasy; it doesn’t have to be realistic” is so completely and utterly wrong on so many levels that I almost don’t know where to begin.

Let’s start with definitions.

“Fantasy” from Wikipedia:

Quote:The identifying traits of fantasy are the inclusion of fantastic elements in a self-coherent (internally consistent) setting. Within such a structure, any location of the fantastical element is possible: it may be hidden in, or leak into the apparently real world setting, it may draw the characters into a world with such elements, or it may occur entirely in a fantasy world setting, where such elements are part of the world.
Within a given work, the elements must not only obey rules, but for plot reasons, must also contain limits to allow both the heroes and the villains means to fight; magical elements must come with prices, or the story would become unstructured.

American fantasy, starting with the stories chosen by John W. Campbell, Jr. for the magazine Unknown, is often characterized by internal logic. That is, the events in the story are impossible, but follow "laws" of magic, and have a setting that is internally consistent.
 
“Realistic” from Merriam-Webster:

Quote:3: the theory or practice of fidelity in art and literature to nature or to real life and to accurate representation without idealization
 
In short, just because something is fantasy does not mean it is unrealistic. The object of writers is to make you believe the story they are telling; whether that story is a crime drama or Lord of the Rings is irrelevant. The point is that the author tries to immerse its reader so fully into the story that not only does the reader understand the complexities of the world they have created (like Trekkies translating the Bible into Klingon, for example) but can use the imagination to "believe" that that world exists. Realism does not mean that everything is exactly how it is in the real world; it means that the media (the book, the movie, the play) is so well-crafted that it seems real. Good writers make their readers believe.

How does the writer do this?

1) Create characters to whom readers can relate; characters who are complex and representative of three-dimensional people (and have complex, three-dimensional relationships);

(Since no one is perfect, Edward fails this test *g*) He's only "perfect" according to Bella and the fangirls who have crushes on him, and who for some strange reason, find vampires sexy.

2) Create a world with rules (and don't contradict those rules);

3) Use reason and logic to determine the course of plot and character arc.

Basically, giving "it's fantasy" as an argument against the total lack of realism in Edward and Bella's one twu luv-ness is just wrong. A good fantasy can utilize the idea of soulmates (like Richard and Kahlan in Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth series) while still taking time to develop the relationship and the characters in a believable fashion. Attraction =/= everlasting love. Everlasting love happens when you get two people who understand, respect, and enjoy the other in terms of personality and character. Edward's sparkling dazzling icy hotness and Bella's delicious blood do not two  soulmates make. And justifying the pitiful relationship development with "it's fantasy" is only a crude cop-out reserved for those with no understanding of good storytelling.
 
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Example 3:

Anti: "The books are sexist and even misogynistic at times"

Generally, the antis argue the following points:

1. Bella

- plays the weak 'damsel in distress' role;
- Bella is weak-willed morally (wants to have sex but Edward, the supposedly good, upstanding, moral man wants to wait until marriage); right - he's attracted to her for two reasons, sex, and a potential delicious source of food for himself. *shudder*
- Bella has no ambitions outside of Edward (doesn't want to go to college);
- Bella cooks and cleans for her father
- Bella forgives Edward instantly for the New Moon fiasco ("forgive your man no matter what")

2. The other females are inferior to the male characters across the board.

- The "shallow" friends (Jessica, Angela, etc.) are not given as much screen time as Mike, let's say, and Bella writes them off as basically Barbie dolls whereas the boys are given personalities.
- Bella's mom is flighty and inconsistent whereas her father is solid, dependable, caring.
- Rosalie had shallow ambitions as a human, was a damsel in distress, and has a victimized backstory as opposed to say, Jasper, who was kickass.
- Esme does nothing; she exists for sole purpose of Carlisle having a mate.

3. The werewolves

- They're shocked when Leah becomes a werewolf, but instead of becoming kickass like the rest of them she's a "burden" and a "harpy" because of Sam.
- Imprinting. The women get no say.

I'd call these the three main points that are argued, with the possibility of several more variations and much more support.

What the Twilight defense usually says in response to these arguments is the following.

1. "Bella doesn't mind", "Bella knows that Edward loves her", "Bella offers to cook and clean", "Bella DOES have ambition--marrying Edward"

2. "But Alice is strong, so therefore the books aren't sexist"

3. "They're just surprised that Leah is a werewolf, and wouldn't you be mad at Sam if you were her? That's not sexist!", "Imprinting is romantic, like soul-mates"

I mentioned the trend that I've noticed in the pro-Twilight versus anti-Twilight debates, that the Antis tend to argue in terms of the conceptual while most of the Twilight fans I’ve come across attempt to use semantics rather than philosophical rebuttals. The sexism debate is a perfect example of that.

Let's look at the "Bella doesn't mind" and "Bella offers to cook and clean" arguments.

"Bella doesn't mind"

The point that the books are sexist is not whether or not BELLA thinks they're sexist; the closest she gets to thinking about sexism is her essay on whether Shakespeare is misogynistic or not. It doesn't matter if Bella likes playing the damsel in distress or if Bella appreciates Edward telling her what to do--rather, what matters is the essential message of the book: the subtext, theme, and suggestions.

Even if Bella excuses Edward or Jacob's bad behavior, it doesn't mean that A) the readers should forget it or B) that the behavior isn't sexist. Who cares what Bella thinks? Meyer gives us ~1500 pages full of Bella's whiny rambling and TELLS us that it's not sexist or that it's not misogynistic, but what is SHOWN contradicts that.

In brief, even if it doesn't occur to Bella to say, "Hey! I want some gender equality!" or "Hey! I don't need some sparkly vampire to save me!" or "Charlie, cook your own food, you've been doing it yourself for fifteen years!", it doesn't mean that the sexism doesn't exist. In fact, the idea that "Bella doesn't mind" actually becomes an argument for the Anti-Twilight side--Meyer uses her main character to basically shout out from the rooftops that sexism isn't a big deal. Bella SHOULD mind, especially if she's supposed to be a strong, smart, independent female character.

It's the ACTIONS, not the intentions that matter. Bella does offer to cook and clean for Charlie, but again I say who cares what Bella thinks? Why couldn't she have offered to mow the lawn or fix the roof instead of pigeon-holing herself into the traditional female role? The part the matters is the fact that it's the female who performs the "female" duties as though it's expected of her. It's the subtext which tells the reader "this is what good, dutiful daughters do" that is the problem, NOT how Bella feels about it.

"But Alice is strong, so therefore the books aren't sexist"

I can't tell you how much I hate this argument. In short, 1 sort-of strong female character does not cancel out an entire book's worth of weak, pathetic female characters. Not only that, but Alice is only a strong character when compared to Bella or Jessica--not against any of the male characters in the series. If you pitted her against female main characters in other fiction I.E. Hermione Granger, Willow, Drusilla, Claudia (from IWTV (Anne Rice)), even Buffy, how do you honestly think she'd fare? Answer: not well. Just because 1 crappy female character is lightyears better than the rest of your crappy female characters does not make her a strong character independently.

"But she can see the future!" is not an argument for her strength as a female character. In comparison to Edward and Jasper's gifts, hers is by far the most inconsistent and the most limited--for example, her visions don't always come true and she's unable to "see" the werewolves whereas Edward's gift does not err and he can read the werewolves' minds. Why is the female vampire's gift so inferior to the males'? Why is hers inconsistent (females=unreliable?) whereas Edward's and Jasper's are completely reliable?

Yes, Meyer tells us that Alice is a strong character (she can fight, she's physically strong), but other than that what do we really know of her? Instead of giving her some meaty interests like, I don't know, science or literature or art or history, Meyer turns her into a vampire version of the "shallow Barbies" whom Bella detests. She's 100 years old and Alice still likes playing dress-up and going shopping and planning parties? Why not give her some REAL qualities rather than the vapid and uninteresting activities of the boring, stereotypical fifteen year old girl?

So, just because Alice is a cut above the rest does not make her a good character. Just because she's stronger than the rest of the female characters does not make her a strong character. Just because she's more powerful than the rest of the female characters does not make her powerful. It's all relative, and if you judge Alice on her own merits she does not make the cut as a strong female character.

"They're just surprised that Leah is a werewolf, and wouldn't you be mad at Sam if you were her? That's not sexist!" and "Imprinting is romantic, like soul-mates"

I think the naked fact that Leah turned into a werewolf is great. It really interested me. The problem is how Meyer handled it. Instead of Leah becoming a functioning, useful, and integral part of the pack she becomes a nuisance and drives the pack crazy. Why? Because she's broken-hearted. Gah! So what does this say? A) allow your heartbreak to completely take over your life and make you a vindictive harpy bitch and B) your happiness is dependent on your love life. Why is it that Jacob gets sympathy for his heartbreak but Leah is just considered an annoyance? Certainly Sam's betrayal of Leah was worse than Bella's rejection of Jacob (though that's a topic for another day). The fact that Bella, who just lived through a terrible experience (New Moon) is unsympathetic to Leah is just another example of the rampant sexism in the books. Why does the only possibility for a strong female character have to be made into a petty and vindictive annoyance?

Concerning imprinting. It is not romantic. It completely removes the power of the female half of the relationship--rather than build a relationship on mutual interests, trust, and personality, the male imprints on the female and it's OMG! TRUE LOVE FOREVER!

And how about Quil and Claire? Now, the author says that "it's not sexual; the boy will be whatever she needs until she's mentally mature", i.e. a brother or cousin or uncle figure until the little girl is all grown up. The problem is that no matter how non-sexual the relationship between the adult male and the child female seems and is claimed to be, the fact is that imprinting happens for the purpose of reproduction, thus necessitating a sexual relationship in the future. So the little girl will be "groomed" to be the male's future mate, with no possibility of choice otherwise (Meyer says "it's hard to resist that level of devotion") and will eventually engage in a sexual and romantic relationship with the man that has supposedly been a brother-, father-, or uncle-figure her entire life (an authority figure). That's sick, and there's no excuse for it, not to mention that it totally removes the right to choose from the female.

Conclusion? The books are sexist.
 
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Example 4:

Anti: “Twilight has either no plot or a very, very tiny one”

Fangirl: “Bella and Edward’s love story is the plot” and “James trying to kill Bella is the plot”

As you’re all no doubt beginning to realize, I really love throwing definitions into the mix.

Wikipedia says:

Quote:In literature, a plot is all the events in a story particularly rendered towards the achievement of some particular artistic or emotional effect. In other words, it's what mostly happened in the story or novel or what the story's general theme is based on, such as the mood, characters, setting, and conflicts occurring in a story.

…

The concept of plot and the associated concept of plot construction, also called emplotment, has developed considerably since Aristotle made these insightful observations. The episodic narrative tradition which Aristotle indicates has systematically been subverted over the intervening years, to the extent that the concept of beginning, middle, end are merely regarded as a conventional device when no other is at hand.

Merriam-Webster says:

Quote:3: the plan or main story (as of a movie or literary work)

Plot is a tricky subject, particularly in literature. For this reason, I apologize in advance for the rambling and confusion that is sure to follow throughout this post.

“Plot”

Problems arise when one attempts to draw up a definition of plot; either the definition becomes too open (calling “everything” plot, i.e. the characters and their arcs, the events in the story, the theme etc.) or narrow (calling only literal benchmark events plot, i.e. 1. Bella comes to Forks, 2. Bella meets Edward, 3. Bella and Edward fall in love (debatable)).

With Twilight, there come problems with either definition, so to be fair (since the average Twilight fan admits that in terms of linear plot events, Twilight is pretty lacking) let’s look at the open definition in particular.

“Character arc and development”

Wikipedia says:

Quote:A character arc is the status of the character as it unfolds throughout the story, the storyline or series of episodes. Characters begin the story with a certain viewpoint and, through events in the story, that viewpoint changes.
…

Character development may refer to the change in characterization of a dynamic character, who changes over the course of a narrative.

Let’s consider characters. There is a complete lack of character development in the book, thus removing the idea of character arc as part of plot. Bella does not change in any essential way from page 1 of the book to page 400 (or however many pages there are) aside from meeting and “falling in love” with Edward. She is the same character. Meyer does not reveal that she becomes more or less trusting, more or less prone to anger, more or less kind, more or less world-wise, or any other possible changes for other characteristics. At the beginning of the book, she worries about her mother. At the end, the fact that she worries about her mother is the crux of the events-based “plot” that forms the dubious climax of the book.

Neither does Edward experience any great transformation as a character aside from his relationship with Bella. As a vampire, he is naturally unchanging, sort of preserved forever as a 17 year old boy, and Meyer does nothing to change this perception. He is presented as something of a loner, and that is the only characteristic to change simply by way of the love story. Aside from that, there IS no character to change in the first place; Edward, like Bella, is very much a blank slate on which the reader is intended to imprint themselves in order to live the story through Bella’s shoes and experience their personal vision of the “perfect man” with Edward as the vessel.

Meyer gives token “characteristics” to both characters (Bella is clumsy, Edward plays piano) but neither of these are true intrinsic traits which define the characters’ actions, wishes, and intentions. Rather, Meyer gives us traits which are focused outwardly rather than personal to each character, such as Edward’s jealousy over Bella’s friendship with Jacob. Given that he had no one to be jealous of in the past, this is not so much a character trait as it is an after-thought, a reactionary plot device to advance what little conflict there is in the series. Everything Edward focuses on and thinks about surrounds Bella; this is not a character which represents a three-dimensional person as much as the so-called "perfect" (and non-existent) fantasy man. For this reason, Edward HAS no character of his own except for that which applies to Bella. Thus, the plot in terms of character arc is completely absent because there is nothing within Edward to change in the first place.

An argument against this might say…

“But the point is that Edward wasn’t truly “alive” until he met Bella, so his character arc happens when he meets Bella”

Wanting to kill her one day and then deciding that he can’t live without her the next does not a character arc make. And the idea that he wasn’t truly “alive” before Bella only reinforces the idea that Edward is just a blank slate; no real person (or even half of a person) simply exists for 100 years as a transient being with no personal characteristics and quirks and traits (talking old-fashioned does NOT count). Going from a “nothing” character to a one chock full of reactionary traits (e.g. wants to protect Bella) is not a character arc nor is it character development.

“But Edward is caring, loving, smart, awesome, sweet, sexy, psychic, hot, etc. etc., so yes he DOES have personality”

Most of those supposed characteristics are subjective in the minds of readers (“sexy”, “hot” – just because Meyer says so doesn’t make it true) and some of them are flat-out contradicted by the text (“caring”, “loving” – go read the ‘Edward is abusive’ thread).

Even if those WERE characteristics, they undergo no important changes or development throughout the series, so they’re irrelevant to the plot (which is the discussion at hand).

“Theme”

Wikipedia says:

Quote:In literature, a theme is a broad idea in a story, or a message or lesson conveyed by a work. This message is usually about life, society or human nature. Themes explore timeless and universal ideas. Most themes are implied rather than explicitly stated.
Deep thematic content is not required in literature; however, some readers hold that all stories inherently project some kind of outlook on life that can be taken as a theme, regardless of whether or not this is the intent of the author.[/quote[

Most Twilight fans say that the “theme” of Twilight is supposed to be the “love” story of Bella and Edward. While this is obviously a woeful ignorance of what theme means, it does provide an interesting opportunity for me to really explore the merits of this supposed love story.

Let’s preface this argument with some words from Stephenie Meyer:

[quote] “Unintentional and rubbish [In answer to the question if vampires represent Satan]. No offense to your friend. It is possible to read TOO deep into a book. They're just vampires”

It’s interesting to me that Meyer calls an attempt at the basic identification of a metaphor “reading too deeply” particularly because I’ve heard that same argument many times from Twilight fans especially in the sexism and abuse discussions. It’s a popular argument (apparently learned from Meyer herself) to say that because the sexism/abuse was unintended, that it therefore doesn’t exist. This is obviously silly (and an argument I’ve covered before) so I won’t get into that too much except to say that the actions characters take (and in Bella’s case, her thoughts (or lack thereof)) DO send a message (the theme). In Twilight’s case, that message is almost certainly unintentional but it is projected quite clearly nonetheless; the message of sexism and abuse being acceptable.

Since Meyer herself argues that the books are NOT sexist and that the notion of Edward acting abusive is “hurtful” to her, it’s fair to say that she did not intend for that theme.

So what theme, if any, did she intend to portray?

…

I can’t think of one, and neither can the Twilight fans I’ve asked that question. They all say that “it’s just a love story.” While I disagree with them, I think it’s safe to say that the unintended theme (sexism is a-okay) and the intended “it’s just a love story” are debates for another day. For now, let’s just say that Twilight has a deadbeat theme and therefore, no theme contributes to the plot.

What’s left?

Since characterization and theme have been chopped down at the knees, I must turn my attention to the more narrow view of plot which is the basic step-by-step unfolding of events.

Let’s review.

1. Bella moves to Forks.
2. Bella meets Edward.
3. Bella and Edward “fall in love” (given that this happens in about two weeks I really don’t know if it counts, but I’m giving Twilight the benefit of the doubt)
4. James comes after Bella.
5. James bites the dust (couldn’t resist, sorry).

Plot is incontrovertibly tied with conflict and that is another reason the antis argue that Twilight has no plot. Meyer supposedly used Pride and Prejudice as inspiration for Twilight, but the actual conflict of Bella and Edward getting together was resolved in a few pages; Bella whines about Edward shooting death glares at her, Edward disappears for a week, Edward comes back and starts following her around like a puppy dog.

Twilight fans argue that Bella trying to figure out what Edward was is another conflict. Given that the readers are told on the inside of the dust jacket that Edward’s a vampire, not only is this NOT a conflict for them, it’s more an annoyance. And once Bella finds out what he is, rather than being disgusted or afraid (a more likely response and one that could have led to some true conflict with Edward trying to win her trust or something), she is totally fine with it… that’s some pretty unnatural and creepy if anticlimactic conflict resolution, if you ask me.

Then James comes. Most antis accept the James-wanting-a-taste-of-Bella as the main conflict of the book, yet it comes into play around 2/3 of the way through the book and reads like it was an afterthought, a conflict that Meyer tacked on once she realized that the book had no plot. It’s resolved easily enough considering the length of the book as a whole, and Bella escapes with a broken bone or two and no doubts at all about her relationship with a guy of the same species as the guy who just hunted her down and nearly killed her. Whatever, ugh.

My conclusion?

By my definition, Twilight has no plot. Events happen, sure, but they aren’t accompanied with and don’t effect change in character development, thematic development, and conflict. Instead, Twilight is 400+ pages of whiny rambling and immature gushing over the elusive perfection that is Edward Cullen, a tabula rasa of a character and no more real than a three-legged gnome casting love spells on unsuspecting Elvish citizenry.
 
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Example 5:

Anti: “Bella and Edward are in lust, not love”

Fangirl: “They say they love each other all the time” and “Bella and Edward are soul-mates” and “Bella and Edward can’t live without each other” and “Bella and Edward are perfect for each other”

As always, let us begin with definitions:

“Lust”

Merriam-Webster says:

Quote:noun: 2: usu. intense or unbridled sexual desire : lasciviousness
3 a: an intense longing : craving <a lust to succeed>

Transitive verb: to have an intense desire or need : crave; specifically : to have a sexual urge

Wikipedia says:

Quote:Lust is any intense desire or craving for gratification and excitement. Lust can mean strictly sexual lust, although it is also common to speak of a "lust for men", "lust for blood" (bloodlust), or a "lust for power" (or other goals), and to "lust for love". The Greek word which translates as lust is epithymia, which also is translated into English as "to covet".

“Infatuation”

Wikipedia says:

Quote:Infatuation is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love; addictive love. Infatuation usually occurs at the beginning of a relationship. It is characterized by urgency, intensity, desire, and/or anxiety, in which there is an extreme absorption in another. It is traditionally associated with youth.

Bella tells us, Edward tells us, and Meyer sure as h*ll tells us that Bella and Edward have true love. They are soul mates. Bella’s lifeblood—her very essence—sings to Edward’s soul. Oh sure she does, like the sound of sizzling food sings to someone hungry for dinner.

The best part is that this incredible true love (“Better than Elizabeth and Darcy,” Meyer claims, “better than ‘evil’ Heathcliff and selfish Catherine!”) happens within the first five seconds of meeting each other. Amazing, I know—who’d have thought that people could realize their love for all eternity with one glance at the other’s stunning, gorgeous, sparkling mug?

Well, I don’t. And the antis don’t. And all the evidence in the series points to, “No, B & E are not in love.” Lust? Given by the amount of times Bella tries to corrupt Edward’s delicate Victorian sensibilities by employing her lascivious feminine wiles, I’d say that’s a yes. Infatuation? Every other word is “ZOMG, Edward is so hawt!” and “I lurrrvveee him!” So yeah, the word is infatuation.

The fact is, there is no indication anywhere in the series that Edward and Bella are compatible mates. They don’t ever have conversations (aside from how wonderful the other is and/or “I’m dangerous, stay away!”), they don’t ever do anything together (what’s wrong with seeing a movie or reading a book together? They watch Romeo and Juliet in the first book but that was a thinly-disguised plot device for the express purpose of comparing them to R&J [ironically apt, given that R&J were in lust as well, and for goodness sake, they were just kids barely out of puberty!] and for the gag-worthy suckfest of quoting the lines at each other).

Of course, it’s not their fault that they aren’t compatible—it’s the fact that there’s nothing to be compatible with. Bella and Edward are empty tabulae rasae and as much as Meyer wants us to believe that they have twu luv, she shoots herself in the foot by not giving them actual personalities. When a character’s only trait is his “hotness”, there really cannot be any basis for a true-to-life relationship and thus we get the lust-fest that is all four books.

Twilight fans disagree with me and will say, “but it’s fantasy, and this is true love!”

The deus ex machina of true love does not simply erase the necessity of character formation and development. True love does not replace the need for relationship building. Meyer attempts to distract the readers from this fact by emphasizing Edward and Bella’s “need” for each other and the supposed reality that they simply can’t live without each other.

On the basis of what, I ask? What is it about Bella that Edward cannot live without, and vice versa?

So in lieu of forming an actual emotional connection, Meyer chooses instead to romanticize suicide. This is potentially my biggest problem with the entire series; the idea that an author writing a young adult series would ever, ever romanticize or gloss over or present suicide as “acceptable” or “understandable” is absolutely unforgivable.

I don’t care if Bella wasn’t “actually” trying to commit suicide when she jumped off the cliff, it was a suicidal act by virtue of the fact that she was willing to potentially end her life just to hear Edward’s voice again. And don’t even get me started on the Edward-goes-to-Volterra bit.

In brief, it is not love when the two characters’ relationship is based only on looks and lust. It is sure as h*ll not “true love” because the participants are willing to kill themselves rather than face a future without the other. At best, it’s dangerous infatuation and at worst it’s a horrifically unhealthy and abusive relationship.
 
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Example 6:

Anti: “Bella is an idiot”, “Bella is superficial” (aka Meyer tells and doesn’t show)

Fangirl: “No, she gets good grades and likes to read”, “Bella hates superficial people, she’s really deep and stuff”

Unfortunately this is not an argument where I can use definitions effectively, so I’ll get right to it. The “Bella is an idiot” argument is a perfect example of the Show, not Tell problem for the Twilight books. Let me explain:

It’s fine for an author to say “[character x] holds a grudge” as part of that character’s development if the author backs up his or her statement with examples in the text of that character holding a grudge, i.e. refusing to forgive a friend for borrowing clothes without asking, etc., etc. That’s the “show” part of it; the author, through his or her use of dialogue or action or theme, allows the reader to infer an understanding of the character themselves rather than being led along by the author like a kindergarten teacher leading a line of children to class. It forces the reader to come to his or her own conclusions, to interact with the story at hand rather than being force fed information.

But it can be tricky, and bad writers will often do one or both of the following:

1. Tell [x], but not show [x].
2. Tell [x], and show [y].

The latter is worse and it’s the sin of which Meyer is guilty. She constantly contradicts herself, and the “Bella is an idiot” argument is a perfect example.

Imagine if J.K. Rowling had told us that Harry Potter had a savior complex, and then went on to make him say, “Forget Ginny Weasley. I’m not going down to the Chamber of Secrets!” or “Screw you, Gabrielle! It’s Fleur’s job to save you, not mine!” or “Pffft, Voldemort’s there? Sirius can save himself!” (Side-note: *cries*) I, for one, would have had a big problem with that and I’d wager that Harry wouldn’t be near the popular icon he is had Rowling engaged in such shoddy writing.

So let’s look at Bella. What makes Bella smart?

Well, we’re told that she likes to read, and the particular books/plays mentioned are: “Romeo & Juliet”, Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights, and so on.

Do we EVER see her read anything else? Does she ever give cute little literary allusions? I read a lot (I’m an English major, I have to) and the books I’ve read constantly pop up in my conversations, in my analysis of any given situation (when I watch TV, see a movie, read a book, EVERYTHING), and they simply influence my life in general. Apparently not so in Bella’s case; for all her rumored book-lover’s habits, she never makes a single reference to, say, The Picture of Dorian Gray when describing Edward’s beauty or vampirism (which would have been interesting!), nor a “Wow, Jane freaks me out as much as Claudia did in Interview With the Vampire”, nor a “Is Harry Potter real, then?” when she finds out about Edward &co. being vampires. We never see her read a book outside of the ones mentioned (which Meyer includes solely to draw bad comparisons and introduce awful interpretations), we never see her discuss books with Edward (outside of quoting Shakespeare and trading passages of Wuthering Heights, which again was only for Meyer’s purposes), and aside from “English class will be easy since I read all those books in my other class already”, she never shows any interest in her studies (and in fact doesn't even seem to grasp how college is important).

Okay, so Meyer says she likes to read. Where does she show this? Answer: nowhere.

Perhaps more importantly, several of Bella’s actions indicate that she is, in fact, not the brightest bulb in the box. Let’s list some of her stupid actions:

1. She walks off into a dark alley where she might get raped. WTH.
2. She doesn’t tell Edward or any of the centuries-old, experienced vampires about James’ message, deciding to handle it herself instead (and nearly getting herself killed).
3. She gets lost in the woods (granted, emotional issues aside) within sight of her own home.
4. She repeatedly puts herself (and her life) in danger to hear a voice in her head.
5. Despite writing an essay on Shakespeare being misogynistic, she does not recognize at all the sexist and abusive elements in her own relationships.

So despite Meyer telling us that Bella is a special snowflake in the neurons-and-synapses department, in reality she’s a pretty foolish character, though it’s not just this area in which the author shows and tells something different. In fact, the entire series is contradiction after contradiction after contradiction. Some quick examples:

1. Meyer tells us that Bella “knows herself”, yet it takes Jacob sexually assaulting her for her to realize that she’s in love with him (after months of leading him along like a horrible bitch).
2. Meyer tells us that Bella is “independent”, yet she devolves into a zombie for months on end when precious Edward leaves her (and relies on Jacob for any semblance of happiness thereafter).
3. Bella says that she hates all the superficial girls at school, yet her own relationship is based on the fact that Edward is a shiny, marble Adonis rather than, you know, he has a great personality.

So, where does this leave us?

Oh, right. Bella is an idiot.
 
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Example 7:

Anti: “Imprinting is sick, sexist, and promotes pedophilia”

Fan: “Imprinting isn’t sexual”, “Imprinting’s not sexist because it’s equally degrading”

At best, imprinting is a second-rate deus ex machina to make coupling easier for Meyer by taking away the necessity for character and relationship development. Basically, love-at-first-sight by any other name still smells not-quite-sweet. Now, had Meyer simply gone ahead with love at first sight rather than the imprinting concept, I doubt we’d be discussing it right now. Rather, I’d be arguing how lame love at first sight is.

But since Meyer chose imprinting and all its dangly bits, let’s take a look at it.

Who imprints?

The male werewolves. It isn’t known whether or not Leah can imprint, though she complains in Breaking Dawn that she’s “twenty years old and menopausal”, indicating that she can’t procreate anyway, thus rendering the function of imprinting useless (more on that later).

Quil imprinted on Claire, a two year-old.
Jacob imprinted on Nessie, an infant.

What is the purpose of imprinting?

We learn over the course of the series that the purpose of imprinting and why normal folk don’t do it is to insure that the werewolf gene (or shape-shifting gene) is passed on. Think of it like an evolutionary adaptation to insure the procreation of one’s species—much the same as certain types of frogs modulating the pitch and frequency of their mating calls in order to attract a female of their exact species. Imprinting is not to make sure that the werewolves get true love. It’s not to make sure that the werewolves have a barefoot woman in the kitchen to make them sandwiches. The sole reason is for reproduction. That’s it. No other reason.

“Imprinting is sick, sexist, and promotes pedophilia”

So if imprinting’s sole purpose is for reproduction, then it is inherently sexual. Saying it’s not sexual is like saying a dude having sex with a girl isn’t sexual. Reproduction = sexual.

Attempting to get out of the squick factor with Quil imprinting on Claire and Jacob imprinting on Nessie, Meyer quickly defends it by saying that the imprinter will be “whatever is needed, whether that’s a brother or uncle or father.”

And there go my squick alarms, blaring away like the siren of a police cruiser full of pedophiles.

One of the problems is that there is an understood future sexual relationship (by way of the imprinting) at stake. So the idea of the werewolf taking a fraternal or paternal role in the life of the child leads directly to the concept of child grooming, defined below:

“Child grooming”

Quote: The deliberate actions taken by an adult to form a trusting relationship with a child, with the intent of later having sexual contact is known as child grooming. The act of grooming a child sexually may include activities that are legal in and of themselves, but later lead to sexual contact. Typically, this is done to gain the child's trust as well as the trust of those responsible for the child's well-being.

Sound familiar? That’s because that describes the exact actions being taken by Quil and, to a lesser extent Jacob (given that Nessie is supposedly super-mature and super in general) in their relationships with Claire and Nessie respectively.

So Quil doesn’t want to hurt Claire, but he’s taking an authoritative role in her life and for her to grow up with Uncle Quil or Brother Quil with the expectation of a sexual relationship completely sabotages her rights and her personal ability to refuse him. That is, both Quil and the rest of the tribe expect her to engage in a relationship with him and she has been brought up with the understanding that Quil will eventually become Lover Quil. How is she supposed to refuse him when he’s not only been an authority figure all her life but it’s expected by him and the rest of her family and friends that they live happily ever after (and make lots of puppies)? That’s inexcusable and sick, and as I already established, there can be no imprinting without reproduction. This means that Quil and Claire’s relationship can never be simply platonic and that’s why it’s pedophilic.

Not to mention that it’s also sexist. It puts all the power of the relationship into Quil’s hands rather than Claire’s. Supposedly, Quil didn’t choose to imprint—it was forced upon him—but he does have the ability to mold and shape his and Claire’s relationship over a period of at least 16 years while Claire is given no options of her own. This goes for every other female who has been imprinted upon… Where is their right to choose? If they’re a member of the tribe, then they’re expected to just fall in line with whatever boy has designs on them, because, as Meyer says, it’s supposedly “hard to resist that level of devotion.”

Now, a popular argument that the Twilight fans use is this: “Imprinting is degrading to both males and females equally, therefore it’s not sexist.” While they might have a point about imprinting and the males, their logic is flawed. Supposedly, the males don’t have a right to choose either—they become groveling, sniveling love slaves with no options outside of the person they choose, but the difference is that they have feelings for the person. If we take imprinting at face value, then they’ve found their soul-mate and they have no doubts, no concerns, and no regrets about it. The problem is that it’s not reciprocal. The females are not guaranteed feelings equal to the male, yet they’re still expected to hop between the sheets with them. Had Meyer left it as a one-way, unrequited love process, then it wouldn’t have been as sexist (it would have put power in the hands of the female and degraded the male… not a good thing, either). But because she insinuates that the females are supposed to love the male back, then it becomes a problem. Especially if for whatever reason, the girl will be unable to reproduce, the guy can always move on, imprinting on some other female child in the hopes of siring werekids with her.

Imprinting (and werewolf reproduction) is sexist in another way as well, specifically for Leah. Now, this is either a giant misunderstanding or a blatant contradiction (I’m inclined to think the latter, considering Meyer’s dubious track record), but in Breaking Dawn, Meyer insinuates that Leah is infertile. WTH? For the sake of species preservation, why on earth would a female werewolf become infertile while the males get to keep their little swimmers? (Same question to the vampires, actually) So if imprinting happens to insure reproduction, why the hell would werewolf-ism ever make the person infertile? There’s zero reason for it, it goes counter to species preservation unless the means is for each male to sire as many puppies with as many bitches as possible before the girls get too old! And biologically speaking, if the males can keep creating sperm with no problem, then it makes zero—ZERO!—sense for Leah’s eggs (which she was born with) to suddenly lose their viability. After all, if imprinting is there to make sure that werewolf puppies are running around, then it implies that not only are the werewolves capable of reproduction but that it’s preferred.

But no… Meyer decides to take away Leah’s fertility, thus setting her apart from A) the other women on the reservation and B) the other werewolves and C) taking away her opportunity to imprint (if she’s infertile, of course that means her potential for procreation has been lost, which is the whole reason for imprinting in the first place.)

Now, does male werewolf sperm count reduce more quickly than humans’ (thus reducing their viability) because of their werewolfiness? Is that another reason for imprinting, to make sure that they get down-n-dirty quick enough so that they’re not shooting blanks?

The answer to that is no. If Quil can imprint on a two year-old and have to wait a minimum to 16 years before reproduction, then it’s safe to say that he’s not losing any viability any time soon. Likewise, it’s stated that werewolves, as long as they phase regularly, will never age.

So why is Leah aging (going through menopause/losing her fertility)? Why does the woman get the shaft and the males get to prance around happily with no ill effects (rather, they get killer bods and a never-ending supply of viable sperm). Why do the males get their happy ending (by way of imprinting; no pun intended) and Leah is denied hers?

The only possible reason is that she’s a woman and Meyer wanted to give her some extra angst (besides having her heart broken, coincidentally also due to imprinting). By taking away her fertility, Meyer implies that procreation and baby-making are the most important things to her simply by virtue of her having two X chromosomes. Sexist? I should say so.

Imprinting in six words: exploitive, sick, gross, eww, *shudder*, SEXIST!, and awkward.

Good job, Meyer. Really nice work.
/sarcasm

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Example 8:

Anti: “The Twilight books send bad messages, e.g. sexism, abuse are ‘okay’”

Fan: “So what?”
- “Other books have sexism too, like Wuthering Heights, Pride and Prejudice, the ‘classics’—are you going to ban those as well??”
- “Meyer uses old-fashioned concepts, what’s it to you?”
- “Not every viewpoint needs to be represented, you know”
- “Twilight is based off of older literature, so it’s not Meyer’s responsibility to cater to modern philosophy”

This is a bit of a convoluted argument but I’m going to ask you to do your best to stay with me here. I’ve already discussed at length the abuse, sexism, imprinting, etc. etc. so for the purposes of this argument, we’re going to go with the assumption that the fan has accepted—at least to a degree—the existence, if not the ramifications, of the bad points of the Twilight series. This argument (“Why don’t you ban everything that’s sexist, then?”) is usually a last-ditch, “I really can’t argue with you using the text” point and while it can be cleverly disguised and sometimes even a bit persuasive, its logic is inherently flawed.

Fans love to bring Wuthering Heights and Pride and Prejudice into the mix; usually because Meyer herself introduces those two novels in particular as a kind of warped source material and they think it gives credence to their argument.

It doesn’t (but more on that later).

I mentioned it in the sexism argument, but I’m going to repeat it here. I don’t have an inherent problem with an author portraying abuse or sexism or murder or rape in a novel. What I DO have a problem with is when those issues are not addressed. For example, I wrote that the biggest reason that the books are sexist is that neither because Bella herself (nor any of the other characters, but that’s beside the point given that Bella is the narrator) doesn’t notice. The idea of sexism or abuse never even enters her mind in the slightest.

“So it’s not a big deal, then!” the fans like to cry. “If it were, Bella would be mad!”

No. The fact that Bella doesn’t notice is exactly the problem. It means that A) Meyer doesn’t realize what she’s writing and trying to pass off as “perfect” or B) Meyer intends it and actually does hold sexist (etc., etc.) views as “perfect” or “ideal”. Either way, it means that Meyer is calling something “perfect” when it most certainly is not—thus idealizing abusive relationships, rampant sexism, justifying suicide, etc.

I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that most likely, Meyer simply doesn’t realize it. If she did, it wouldn’t be nearly as “perfect” as she likes to think it is—where’s the romance in Bella saying, “Screw you, Edward, I’ll do/see/hang out with what-/whoever I want” or “I’m going to call the police if you keep stalking me!”.

Let’s draw a comparison. Hey, look, there’s my copy of Pride and Prejudice. Perfect—written between 1796 and 1797 and published in 1813, it qualifies as one of the “old” books on which the Twilight series is supposedly based. Many fans like to say, “Well, there’s sexism in P&P, do you hate that book too?”

Remember how I said that Meyer doesn’t address the issues of sexism, etc. in the books? Well, yeah, Austen does do that. In fact, Austen skillfully and insightfully expresses the times’ inequality of the sexes and presents a harsh social commentary (through the veneer of witty repartee) using the story of strong-willed Elizabeth Bennet and noble Mr. Darcy. The sexism, classism, etc. are some of the cornerstones of the book in that Austen uses her heroine to combat them.

Or, take Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre (1847) and its title character. Like Elizabeth, Jane is faced with classism, sexism, lack of opportunity, and, like Bella, is faced with dealing with somewhat of a Byronic hero (brooding, dark, secretive, ‘superior’). Like Elizabeth, Jane basically gives a polite and cultured “blast you!” to her antagonists, and unlike Bella, Jane doesn’t take any crap from Mr. Rochester. In fact, the equality theme in Jane Eyre is so firm and pervasive that by the end of the book, Jane has completely turned the traditional gender roles on their derrieres. Together, she and Elizabeth represent two of the strongest female characters in all of literature. Bella? Bella doesn’t even deserve to be on the same bookshelf as them.

“Twilight is based off of older literature, so it’s not Meyer’s responsibility to cater to modern philosophy.”

Continuing with the P&P and Jane Eyre themes, just because a book is “old” doesn’t prevent it from having visionary and modern themes and considering that P&P is supposed to be one of the books on which Twilight is based, I’d say that Meyer does a horrifically poor job of staying true to its ideas. Rather, Meyer appears to be basing her series off of old IDEAS and old TRADITIONS, which is entirely different from literature. And if that’s the case, then my giving her the benefit of the doubt was unwarranted and she herself holds sexist views. At that point, there’s no sense in arguing any further.

“Not every viewpoint needs to be represented all the time, you know!”

First, of course that’s true. But it doesn’t mean that I can’t have a problem with a “viewpoint” presented in a work of literature or cinema or theater or whatever. It’s my prerogative to disagree, just like it is Meyer’s prerogative to express whatever ideas she wants, however obsolete and wrong they may be.

Second, the idea that the right to equality for all is a “viewpoint” rather than an accepted natural right (go read some John Locke, please.) almost makes this argument not even worth arguing. Imagine if Meyer had included some blatant racism instead of blatant sexism and misogyny. Would you shrug it off so lightly? I doubt it. So why is sexism taken so lightly when it affects the whole human population of the female gender? To reply “so what?” to criticism of sexism in a book demeans women as a whole and sets back gender roles a hundred years. And that IS a big deal, and while Meyer has as much right as the next person to spew forth her unmitigated sexist and misogynistic views, I have just as much right to dislike her for it.

Go here for part 2:

http://netizen.posterous.com/essay-on-twilight-part-2

This comes from http://shinga.livejournal.com/478415.html (occasional strong lingo warning)

It is posted in its entirety here on this page.

Twilight Parody
by Shinga

(Edited for language)

@ 2008-06-07 10:08:00

Twilight! 1
Okay you guys, I have a present for you.

I read Twilight. Or, you know, about 80% of it. I couldn't make it through the last bit but I'm pretty sure how it ended.

To make it through, I was writing a parody summarization of it as I went.

And now, to save you the fate of having to read it and understand what happens... I will post it.

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TWILIGHT

CHAPTER ONE

BELLA: My life sucks so much! I chose to move to a stupid town in Washington and I’m bitching about it the whole way! My dad is sweet and generous and caring and works hard for me and still loves my mom but I totally hate him and refuse to see him as my father, I’m just going to call him by his first name, because he’s obviously such a jerk.

FIRST DAY OF HIGHSCHOOL: Hi!

BELLA: BLAST YOU I HATE YOU.

FIRST DAY OF HIGHSCHOOL: :(

ERIC: Hi I’m a friendly person! But I have oily hair and pimples.

BELLA: Oh ew. Go away.

EVERYONE ELSE: OMG you are so cool and we all love you!

BELLA: You’re all lame, go away.

PRETTY PEOPLE: *ignore her*

BELLA: OH MY GOSH THEY’RE SO COOL AND JUST LIKE ME, WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS. They’re like albinos just like me only I’m not albino and I’m overusing that horrible horrible joke! Who ARE they?

GIRL WHO BELLA DOES NOT DEEM IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO REMEMBER: *boring history about them*

BELLA: Oh my Gosh they are SO INTERESTING.

GIRL WHO IS SUDDENLY NAMED JESSICA: Well I guess so. They are also new, by the way.

BELLA: *gasp* We’re like soul mates. Who is that one, the prettiest?

JESSICA: Too pretty to date, also known as Edward.

BELLA: I LOVE HIM.

NEXT CLASS: I HAVE EDWARD YAAAY.

BELLA: Yay!

EDWARD: *FURY GLARE OUT OF NOWHERE*

BELLA: :*( But my hair smells like strawberries.

EDWARD: You’re icky.

OTHER GUY BELLA DOESN’T CARE ABOUT: I’m Mike and we have the next class together!

BELLA: Ew, Edward’s prettier than you.

MIKE: He hates you, though. It’s pretty much obvious. If I sat next to you, I would have proposed marria-- er, talked to you.

BELLA: Whatever, nerd.

THE OFFICE: Look, I have Edward!

BELLA: Yay then I’m here too!

EDWARD: I don’t like that stinky chick and would like to switch classes.

BELLA: :*( But I love you.

EDWARD: Ugh, you’re here. Screw this.

END OF CHAPTER ONE

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Gasp! How will this epic romance survive when Edward cannot stand the fact that Bella smells like rotting eggs and skunk butt?? STAY TUNED TO KNOW THEIR TRAGIC ROMEO AND JULIET ROMANCE OF LEGEND!

CHAPTER TWO

NEXT DAY: I’m better and worse all at once! I’m so talented.

ERIC: HI AGAIN.

BELLA: Ew, nerds.

THE DAY: I’m so hard.

BELLA: Edward isn’t here. :*( This is the worst part of my day EVER, despite the fact he’s shown nothing towards me but contempt and disgust! My life is OVER.

MIKE: I dare to be friendly!

BELLA: Oh we’re going to have to put an end to that shit.

*later*

BELLA: Okay, I’m going to be a stereotypical daughter of a single father and do all the food stuff. I am going to the store.

SHINY NEW VOLVO: *sparkle*

BELLA: Oh crap, rich kids. OH WAIT IT’S THE PRETTY PEOPLE YAY. That seems weird that pretty people have money but I guess that’s normal. But no that must mean they want to be alone.

LOGIC: Wait, what?

*later*

BELLA: *checks her e-mail*

BELLA’S MOM: NOW IS THE TIME TO PANIC.

BELLA: Geez, calm down, freak.

CHARLIE: Hi!

BELLA: Eat food, if you even know what that is, plebe.

CHARLIE: How’s school?

BELLA: I’m totally in love with Edward.

CHARLIE: GRRR I LOVE THAT FAMILY. You should see the doctor, I hear he’s a dreamboat.

BELLA: Is he as hot as Edward?

*later*

EDWARD: *is not at school all week*

BELLA: Maybe I need new shampoo...

*later*

SNOW: Hi!

BELLA: Ew that means it’s cold. And you’re not unique like you’re supposed to be, you look like the end of a Q-tip, every last one of you.

READERS: ...What?

STUDENTS: Ha ha, we love throwing snowballs because we know how to have fun!

BELLA: Dude screw that. You all suck, I’m going inside.

LUNCH TABLE: *has five pretty people*

BELLA: OH MAN I’M GOING TO BE SICK.

JESSICA AND MIKE: What the hell...?

PRETTY PEOPLE: *laugh laugh laugh just like a movie*

READERS: ... What?

JESSICA: Are you staring at pretty people?

BELLA: Who wouldn’t?

JESSICA: Edward is totally scamming on you, girl.

BELLA: OMG :O Don’t look at him or I’ll kill you.

JESSICA: Tee hee!

*later, in class or something*

EDWARD: Hi Bella, I speak to you.

BELLA: !!! You know my name! The real one, not my birth name.

EDWARD: Oh. I think I may have just accidentally hinted that I’ve been stalking you... you know, that or you’re so unique and special that the whole school is talking about you and this is in no way a reflection of what Stephanie Meyer wished high school was like.

BELLA: What?

EDWARD: What? Nothing. What?

CLASS: *starts*

EDWARD: I smile crooked.

BELLA: YOU’RE PRETTY, I WANT YOUR BABIES.

SCIENCE: Apparently I’m sexy, I was not aware.

PORNO MUSIC: *plays as BELLA and EDWARD look in each other’s microscopes... if you know what I mean*

EDWARD: I look frustrated for no reason!

BELLA: Your eyes changed color. Trust me, I’ve memorized everything about you.

EDWARD: Don’t be stupid.

SCIENCE TEACHER: You’re so cool, Isabella.

EDWARD: IT’S BELLA, YOU PLEBE. Soooo Bella. Too bad it’s snowing, right? You probably hate it here. Not that I read your diary.

BELLA: Yeah it pretty much stinks.

EDWARD: Then why are you even here?

READERS: Yeah! Why are you here?

BELLA: My mom got remarried to a guy that travels but my mom isn’t traveling with him or anything so she didn’t send me here, I did.

EDWARD: I don’t get it.

READERS: Yeah, neither do we.

BELLA: She was all mopey when she stayed at home with me.

EDWARD: Oh. Your reasoning is sort of dumb. Also I bet you’re truly suffering deep down because your life is incomparably difficult.

BELLA: OH MY GOSH IT’S LIKE YOU KNOW ME. Let’s sex up. Wait no, let me act somewhat but not really annoyed that I’m easy to read despite the fact I said the exact opposite about my emotions at the very beginning of this book.

EDWARD: I have pretty teeth.

BELLA: *dazzled*

*later*

BELLA: Time to go home! Oh look Edward is staring at me in a creepy manner and laughing for no discernible reason. He’s hot.

END OF CHAPTER TWO

---

Gasp! Will Bella and Edward's legendary romance blossom soon so we can get past these pages and pages of unnecessary crap? Is Edward being a creepy stalker? Will Bella even give a damn? Find out in chapter... well, hell, I actually don't know what chapter resolves all that. Soon though. Maybe.

CHAPTER THREE

SNOW: *is everywhere*

BELLA: DAMMIT. Oh well, Charlie’s not here and I can revel in the aloneness of being lonely.

READERS: LOL WHAT.

BELLA: I can’t wait to see Edward! Even though he lied about his eyes and that makes him suspicious.

READERS: LOL WHAT

BELLA: I notice that boys see me differently here. I bet it’s because I’m new and interesting and they think my only character flaw of being clumsy is actually not a flaw at all but cute and endearing. I kind of prefer being ignored, though... crap, two boys want me, my life SUCKS!

SCHOOL: Yay hi!

BELLA: Yay!

CAR: I KEEL U NOW, BITCH.

BELLA: OHSHI--

EDWARD: I SAVE YOU.

BELLA: Whut. Wait, weren’t you like four cars away?

EDWARD: Don’t be stupid, I was right next to you. You just hit your head and don’t remember. If you want me to explain later, I WILL, GEEZ, STOP NAGGING ME WOMAN.

BELLA: ... You’re pretty.

EMTS: Uh you hit your head really hard and we have to put you in a neck brace to protect you and get you checked out to make sure you’re okay.

BELLA: MAN THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING. *takes it off when she gets to the hospital* NECK BRACES ARE NERDY AND NERDS ARE LAME.

GUY WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF UNTIL NOW UNLESS I FORGOT AND OH YEAH HIS NAME IS TYLER: I am so sorry I almost hit you!

BELLA: Eh, whatever. Edward is a very very fast knight in shining armor so I’m okay.

EDWARD’S TEETH: *are brilliant*

DOCTOR: ‘Sup.

BELLA: HOLY CRAP YOU ARE HOT.

DOCTOR: You can go home now, but not school. No point anyway, they’re all pretty much here in the waiting room. Just for you, I’m sure. Because you’re special.

BELLA: This is so embarrassing, the whole school knows I had to go to the hospital. What kind of loser does THAT?

TYLER: ...

BELLA: Oh well I’m all good now BECAUSE EDWARD WAS TOTALLY RIGHT NEXT TO ME. Right next. Like we were practically Siamese twins he was so right next to me.

DOCTOR: *looks around*

BELLA: YOU ARE SO IN ON IT, YOU BASTARD. Edward we need to talk.

EDWARD: Bitch I saved your life, I don’t owe you shit.

BELLA: Don’t bring logic into this!

LOGIC: :( I’m never here...

BELLA: You lifted a van up off of me! You’re Superman, dammit!

EDWARD: You’re kind of dumb. Also, I’m not explaining anything to you, so get used to it.

BELLA: Oh this is SO going to become a cliche plot about hate and frustration turning into epic romance, you jerk!

EDWARD: Why did I even save you?

BELLA: I SAID GOOD DAY.

CHARLIE: HOLY CRAP ARE YOU OKAY.

BELLA: Yes, sheesh, it’s not like a van almost hit me. People in small towns overreact to everything.

CHARLIE: Sooo uh... you’re going to need to call your mom...

BELLA: OH MY GOSH I WAS IN A POTENTIALLY DEADLY ACCIDENT AND MY LIFE WAS THREATENED AND YOU TOLD MY MOM!?

CHARLIE: Uh, yes?

BELLA: YOU SUCK.

*later*

BELLA’S DREAMS: I love Edward, Edward + Bella, Bella Cullen, Isabella Cullen, Edward and Bella forever, etc etc

END OF CHAPTER THREE

---

Gasp! Why is Edward so dazzling fast like a freak? Will Bella find out and still find him pretty? Is there going to be a point to this book? Stay tuned!

CHAPTER FOUR

READERS: Okay four chapters and I’m failing to see the point of this book.

THE WHOLE MONTH: *has apparently no significance other than Bella’s subconscious obsessing endlessly over Edward*

THE REST OF THE WEEK: Hey this happe--

READERS: Wait, I thought it had been a month?

BELLA: You guys, Edward was totally a hero and saved me and I love him.

EVERYONE ELSE: Oh yeah, we didn’t really see him.

EDWARD: *totally ignoring Bella*

BELLA: :(

EDWARD: *totally ignored Bella all month*

BELLA: *TOTALLY MISERABLE*

MIKE: Why hello there.

JESSICA: Bella is it okay if I ask Mike to some dance?

BELLA: Dude, I’ve been moping for a month, I have to be typical and refuse to have any sort of fun. So I’m not going and that leaves you pretty much open to do whatever.

JESSICA: AWESOME.

*next day*

JESSICA: Boo.

MIKE: BELLA ASK ME TO THE DANCE I LOVE YOU FOR NO REASON.

BELLA: No I’m good.

MIKE: DID YOU ASK... SOME ONE ELSE?!?! *subtle obvious glance at Edward*

BELLA: No I’ll be uh... out of... town. Yeah that’s it. Go with Jessica.

MIKE: Dammit.

EDWARD: *STARE*

BELLA: OMG. *hides behind her hair*

EDWARD: Hey, loserface.

BELLA: Oh, speaking to me now?

EDWARD: No. Look, it’s better we’re not friends.

BELLA: It’s because you wish I was DEAD!

EDWARD: You are very very dumb.

BELLA: OH YEAH WELL I’M GOING TO STORM OUT BUT TRIP IN AN ENDEARING WAY SO YOU CAN HELP ME PICK UP MY BOOKS YOU JERK.

*later*

BELLA: I AM SO GOING HOME.

ERIC: Hey let’s go to the dance together.

BELLA: Well for starters you’re confusing your gender which surprises no one, and no. You’re oily.

ERIC: Okay, cool.

TYLER: Hey Bella while you’re trapped in your parking space waiting for Edward to pull out of the way, want to ask me to the dance?

BELLA: DAMMIT NO.

TYLER: Okay cool, prom then. Bye!

EDWARD: HA HA I AM WATCHING FROM A DISTANCE AND LAUGHING BECAUSE BOYS WANT IN YOUR PANTS.

BELLA: JERK MARRY ME

*later*

PHONE: *rings*

JESSICA: MIKE ACCEPTED, I AM SO HAPPY.

BELLA: Hey get these other two chicks to ask Tyler and Eric so I don’t have to worry about them sniffing my perfect Mary Sue arse all day long.

JESSICA: AWESOME I’LL DO THAT BYE NOW.

BELLA: Every motion I do today is tainted by Edward. I hate him! But not really. I love him! But I don’t want to. I should analyze every word he says. He probably just isn’t interested in me because he’s perfect. Interesting and brilliant and mysterious and perfect and able to lift vans. I should marry him. Bella Cullen...

CHARLIE: What’s up.

BELLA: Uh I’m going to Seattle to avoid boys, is that cool?

CHARLIE: Sure, traveling alone to a big city in a very old and perhaps unreliable truck is totally normal for a seventeen-year-old, right? Or are you sixteen? Have you even said?

*next day*

EDWARD: *standing right there*

BELLA: STOP THAT.

EDWARD: You’re the dim one who can’t see people, don’t blame me. Also you’re very very stupid. Sorry, that was rude. True though.

BELLA: Pick a personality!

EDWARD: Want me to drive you to Seattle?

BELLA: Wait, you said we shouldn’t be friends.

EDWARD: But I want to be anyway.

READERS: This is going to get old very quickly, isn’t it.

EDWARD: So we’ll totally go to Seattle together. You should stay away from me. See you in class, bye!

READERS: ...

---

Will Edward and Bella fall in annoying teenage epic romance during the trip to Seattle that may take another four chapters to get to? Will the side characters fall in love with each other? Do we care? Stay tuned!

CHAPTER FIVE

JESSICA: Edward is totally scamming on you. Again. But he’s sitting alone and totally motioning for you to go over there. OH MY GOSH HE WANTS YOU OVER THERE OMG.

BELLA: It’s totally about homework. Maybe sex. BRB.

EDWARD: Hi Bella, eat with me today. I might as well go to hell thoroughly. Your friends are mad that I stole you and I may never give you back. You look worried, what’s with that?

BELLA: I wonder.

EDWARD: So I tried to stay away from you but I gave up and now I’m not going to leave you alone at all and I won’t stop talking.

READERS: Great.

EDWARD: So we’re friends now! But I’m not a good friend for you and you’ll only be my friend if you’re very very stupid.

BELLA: Okay let’s be friends!

EDWARD: Sooo, what are you thinking about?

BELLA: That you’re weird and frustrating and the incredibly obvious turn this book is going to take.

EDWARD: Your boyfriend looks mad.

BELLA: Which one?

EDWARD: Answer one question.

BELLA: Sure that sounds fair and reasonable and not set up.

EDWARD: What do you think I am?

BELLA: Spiderman.

EDWARD: That’s stupid. You’re stupid. I might be a bad guy.

BELLA: Oh you’re keeping me away because you’re dangerous. Well you just got a little bit hotter. Tee hee, I’m so I’m predictable! But you’re not a bad person, I can magically tell that from the limited interaction we’ve had and all the maybe-cryptic-but-probably-just-insane things you say. Let’s sex up.

EDWARD: No I’m going to skip class instead. Bye!

SCIENCE CLASS: We’re doing stuff about blood! This is going to take a very obvious turn, isn’t it?

READERS: Yes. Yes it is.

BELLA: I know my blood type already, can I leave so I don’t panic because of a needle? Needle panic makes me believable as a character so people reading can relate to me. Totally.

TEACHER: Sure, cool. Mike, take her to the nurse’s office and use this opportunity to touch her perfect waist.

MIKE: SCORE.

BELLA: *faints outside*

EDWARD: BEEELLLLAAA!!! Mike go away, I’ll take her to the nurse.

MIKE: Uh, no.

EDWARD: Whatever. *picks Bella up and runs*

MIKE: HEY NOT COOL MAN. BROS BEFORE HOS!

BELLA: I liked the sidewalk, let’s go back.

NURSE: Psh, she’s fine. There’s always at least one complete pansy when they do blood typing.

BELLA: So I totally should have skipped class. How did you see me, anyway? You ditched.

EDWARD: I was stalking-- er, listening to CDs in my car.

SOME ONE ELSE BLEEDING: HI.

EDWARD: Let’s go, NOW.

BELLA: Yay I can smell blood.

EDWARD: Ha. Creepy. Anyway, Mike’s here to glare and pointedly ignore me while talking to you.

BELLA: Oh.

MIKE: HEY BELLA, ARE YOU GOING TO THE BEACH THIS WEEKEND BELLA, WHAT’S GOING ON BELLA I LOVE YOU PLEASE MARRY ME BYE NOW.

BELLA: I don’t want to go to gym.

EDWARD: Okay let’s go.

READERS: Please... please God... tell me something interesting is about to happen.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING DAMN INTERESTING AT ALL: *happens*

READERS: *cry*

END OF CHAPTER FIVE

---

Is there a point to this yet...? Stay tuned!

CHAPTER SIX

JESSICA: So how was it when Edward was scamming on you at lunch yesterday?

BELLA: It was cool.

READERS: *sigh, check how long it is to go* WE’RE NOT EVEN HALF DONE WITH THIS BOOK YET!?

FRIENDS: We’re totally jealous of Bella for sitting with a pretty boy so we’re going to shun her. SHUN.

MIKE: Shut up you guys, I’m hoping to get lucky!

*later*

BELLA: I am so ready to go to the beach! Oh no, girls are glaring at me because my popularity is growing too much and now they totally hate me.

MIKE: YAY BELLA BELLA BELLA RIDE IN MY CAR WITH ME I MADE YOU A MIXED TAPE.

THE BEACH: *is incredibly boring*

READERS: *nod off*

JACOB: Hi you bought my dad’s truck. It’s a piece of crap.

BELLA: Uh. Okay then.

JACOB: You probably remember my sisters.

BELLA: Oh yeah, them.

RANDOM JEALOUS GIRL: SO BELLA TOO BAD NO ONE INVITED EDWARD’S FAMILY.

OLDER BOY: They don’t come here. Also, where the hell did I come from?

READERS: Sorry, probably slept through that part.

BELLA: Hey Jacob, come with me to the beach.

JACOB: OKAY!

BELLA: So you’re close enough to my age to be in love with me, right? Only about a year’s difference?

JACOB: Two years. I’m just tall.

BELLA: Well I’m going to feign interest and pretend that I hope you’re here in town often.

JACOB: It’s okay, I’m not.

BELLA: Thank God. So who was that guy who doesn’t like my precious mysterious perfect Edward?

JACOB: Sam? Yeah the Cullens aren’t allowed here. I can tell you why. Do you like scary stories?

BELLA: I’ll pretend I do in a flirty manner.

JACOB: Cool. Well there’s a bunch of Native American legends and I totally know all of them because of stereotyped tradition. My grandfather was a tribal elder and so’s my dad. Anyway there’s some old story about cold people who are enemies of werewolves. They only have one enemy, werewolves.

BELLA: Just finish the story, Pocahontas.

JACOB: Anyway, we don’t like cold ones, until a tribe of them showed up and they were pretty cool so my grandfather was like “hey let’s be BFF” and they were like “okay that works”. I mean it was BFF in the sense of “they stay away, we don’t screw them over and hand them to evil white people”. You white people are bastards, by the way.

BELLA: Fair.

JACOB: Anyway they’re peaceful but cold ones are dangerous and might get too hungry and eat some people so they’re not allowed. So yeah, the Cullens? That’s them.

BELLA: What.

JACOB: Yep, there are some newbies, but it’s the same group. They drink blood, vampires you know.

BELLA: Okay then. Well that’s a cool story.

JACOB: Don’t tell your dad, he’d probably be pissed off. Okay let’s go back.

MIKE: BELLA THERE YOU ARE WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN DAMMIT GET ME A BEER WOMAN.

JACOB: Boyfriend?

BELLA: One of them. TEE HEE.

JACOB: We should hang out in the next book. See ya!

MIKE: WE SHOULD GO, RIGHT DAMN NOW.

JACOB: BYE BELLA IT WAS NICE SPENDING ALL THAT PRIVATE TIME TOGETHER LIKE WE HAVE DONE SINCE WE WERE KIDS.

MIKE: *RAR*

---

GASP! So Edward and friends are VAMPIRES! But since Bella is extra flavor special she just doesn't seem at all effected by this at all. Will she be able to remain completely cool and calm in a manner that suggests an actual mental issue and still be able to ~*~love~*~ Edward-poo? Stay tuned!

CHAPTER SEVEN

BELLA: I need music to calm down.

JACOB: RUN AWAY.

MIKE: THIS WAY.

BELLA: WHAT THE HELL.

JACOB: *is replaced by a wolf. This is in no way a very obvious hint of anything. Nope, not at all*

EDWARD: ‘Sup, baby.

JACOB: RAR.

BELLA: Oh noes!

DREAM: *ends*

BELLA: I must find ways to distract myself from these awful things!

MODEM: *crawls*

BELLA: dammit.

READERS: Okay that I can sympathize with.

BELLA: I am reading things on the internet about vampires, since that’s the best way to find reliable information. I’m not sure if I should believe quotes from Dracula or questionably characterized fanfiction about Spike and Angel from Buffy.

STEPHANIE MEYER: LOOK AT ALL THE VAMPIRE RESEARCH I DID TO MAKE THIS BOOK BELIEVABLE AS A FANTASY NOVEL.

READERS: Yeah, nice wiki skills.

BELLA: I’m going to think about this all way way too much.

READERS: Man we get it, the Cullens are vampires and your romance with Edward has taken an oh-so-shocking and dangerous turn. Could we please get to the plot?

PLOT: *neglected* :(

BELLA: OH I LOVE A VAMPIRE, OH. *dramatic back-of-the-hand-to-the-forehead move*

*next day*

BELLA: Oh school.

MIKE: HI MY LOVE.

BELLA: Oh it’s you.

MIKE: YOU HAVE RED IN YOUR HAIR, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

BELLA: What?

MIKE: I mean uh, what’s your paper on?

BELLA: If Shakespeare is a misogynist.

READERS: I think she should wonder if Stephanie Meyer is.

MIKE: So, we should go out.

BELLA: We should really not.

MIKE: Damn. Now I have to settle for Jessica.

*later*

BELLA: Edward isn’t here! DESOLATION. The entire day is now absolutely miserable. I’m going to go home now and attempt to read books that the author picked to be my favorites so it makes me look deeper. Unfortunately that impression goes away when I just can’t stand to read them because they have names that are either Edward or close enough to it.

*later*

BELLA: Dad I’m going to help people pick out dresses.

CHARLIE: That’s kind of dumb. Women are weird.

*later*

BELLA: YAY WE’RE LEAVING FORKS TO SEE DRESSES YAY.

READERS: Now we’re just outright avoiding plot.

PLOT: :(

END OF CHAPTER SEVEN

---

Will Plot's depression sink so low that there's no turning back? Can this book redeem itself and bring Plot back to a happy place? Will Stephanie Meyer find some way to make dress shopping interesting? Okay that's pretty much a given "no", but still... stay tuned!

CHAPTER EIGHT

GIRLS NIGHT OUT: *is very girly* BOYS BOYS BOYS.

JESSICA: Mike and I are totally going out now and we might actually kiss and oh my Gosh. Bella you’re weird because you’ve never had a boyfriend and you’re rejecting guys here who are all in love with you because you’re special.

OTHER GIRL: Well except Tyler because he’s taking you to prom.

BELLA: WHUT.

JESSICA: Yeah that’s why Lauren wants you dead.

BELLA: I should commit vehicular manslaughter, right?

JESSICA: ... Yeah. Sure. That’s the logical way to solve this.

DRESSES: *are shopped for*

SHOES: *are important in some way*

BELLA: *can’t stop thinking about Edward*

BELLA’S OBSESSION WITH EDWARD: *is getting old fast*

BELLA: *wanders off alone for some reason*

RANDOM THUGS: Hey we are also intrigued by you and want to herd you alone so we can take advantage in some way!

BELLA: Oh no, forced suspense and drama!

EDWARD: *shows up out of damn nowhere in the volvo* HURRY GET IN.

BELLA: EDWARD CULLEN YOU’RE MY HERO. *leap*

EDWARD: Calm me down!

BELLA: What the hell, I’M the one who was just attacked! But anyway I’m going to kill Tyler because if I ruin his car and possible paralyze him then he won’t need to take me t prom to make me feel better. So are you okay now?

EDWARD: Uh, no?

BELLA: Well what the hell.

EDWARD: I have a bad temper and want to kill the thugs. Anyway, let’s get going. I magically know where your friends are and I can take you out to dinner.

BELLA: Uh.

FRIENDS: We already ate while we were waiting for you, lameface.

EDWARD: It’s okay I’ll just be alone with her and you can go away.

BELLA: YES, THAT. *dazzled*

FRIENDS: OHHH OKAY. *WINK WINK* SEE YOU GUYS LATER BYE.

BELLA: But seriously though I’m not hungry.

EDWARD: EAT NOW. And I’m going to ask the waitress to get us a nicer table than she offered.

BELLA: That’s so mean to dazzle her like that! And I’m not jealous. At all.

EDWARD: Right. So when are you going to completely melt down and freak out about what happened?

BELLA: Psh, I don’t melt down.

READERS: LOL WHAT

MORE RANDOM ROMANCE CUTESY CRAP: *happens, and is remarkably boring* *also may have some “coy” guessing games involved* *also, something about Edward saving Bella on her first day... this is not explained*

EDWARD: Oh and I read minds and have been following you.

BELLA: That isn’t unsettling or freaky at all!

EDWARD: Now tell me your theories about me even though at this point this entire thing is pretty damn obvious and unnecessarily drawn out.

THE ACTUAL CHAPTER ENDING: *is just about that awkwardly timed, yes*

---

... Just stay tuned :P

CHAPTER NINE

BELLA: Before I tell you you’re a vampire and all the readers roll their eyes at how incredibly boring this book is, let me ask you another question.

EDWARD: Fine.

BELLA: How did you know where I was?

EDWARD: Please, I could leave the damn country and still smell you. Shower once in a while, would you?

BELLA: Also, stop ignoring my other questions. How do your read minds blah blah family blah...

EDWARD: Shut up. It’s just me, not my family. I’m unique and special.

BELLA: So why am I so unique and special?

EDWARD: Well maybe you just don’t think.

BELLA: OH MY GOSH I’M A FREAK? OH MY GOSH THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.

EDWARD: Uh. I read minds.

BELLA: Yeah so anyway OH MY GOSH YOU’RE DRIVING FAST.

EDWARD: You have a very annoying sense of priorities.

BELLA: Anyway, Jacob says you’re a vampire. I flirted with him to get him to say it.

EDWARD: You’re kind of a bitch.

BELLA: Yeah. Anyway then I googled some and most the stuff is kind of silly. Anyway I don’t really care.

EDWARD: WHAT. YOU’RE A FREAK. INSANE. COOCOO IN THE HEAD.

BELLA: Right. So how old are you then?

EDWARD: Seventeen... and some more. And I can go on the sun and don’t burn alive and don’t sleep in coffins... in fact, don’t sleep. So don’t you want to know about my diet? That we don’t hunt humans but we’re still dangerous. In fact I shouldn’t be alone with you.

BELLA: Oh hell yes, we’re totally in Romeo and Juliet terms now. AWESOME.

EDWARD: Anyway I get hungry a lot but I don’t like being away from you when I have to suck the blood out of cute animals. I miss you.

THOUSANDS OF THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRLS: HE’S LIKE THE PERFECT MAN I LOVE HIM.

EDWARD: Anyway I can’t be in the sun, but not because of death. I’ll show you sometimes.

READERS WHO KNOW WHY: LOLOLOL

BELLA: I miss you too, by the way.

EDWARD: WELL YOU SHOULDN’T. Despite me stalking you, we should not be around each other and you shouldn’t like me so stop.

BELLA: *kri*

EDWARD: Crap, are you CRYING? Crap. Crap. Women. By the way, why didn’t you run away or scream for help?

BELLA: I was going to be brave and fight.

EDWARD: You’re dumb.

HOME: *is reached*

EDWARD: Bye! Oh, don’t go into the woods, there are dangerous things.

PLOT: *perks up* Wait, is that a hint of me? Please??

BELLA: *calls Jessica* LIKE OMG.

JESSICA: OMG. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

BELLA: TOMORROW.

JESSICA: Boo. Well okay then.

---

Well so far I'm not seeing Plot, but... there may be hope yet! Stay tuned!

CHAPTER TEN

BELLA: I’m late for school!

EDWARD: *is suddenly there* I’ll drive you, get in.

BELLA: Okay! Where’s your family?

EDWARD: Oh see that shiny expensive car? They took that. We try to blend in.

BELLA: Yeah I can see that.

JESSICA: HI SEE YOU IN TRIG BYE.

EDWARD: She’s going to attack you. And may or may not be a lesbian, some of those thoughts were kind of confusing...

BELLA: Wait, what?

EDWARD: Nothing. Bye.

MIKE: Bella Bella what did Jessica say about me!

BELLA: Did you seriously just switch off of me completely and are obsessing over her now?

MIKE: Totally!

BELLA: She had a good time.

MIKE: Yay!

PLOT: :( This doesn’t look like me at all...

JESSICA: OH MY GOSH YOU TWO ARE SO TOTALLY SECRETLY DATING.

BELLA: Yeah that’s pretty much it.

JESSICA: You’re so brave to be alone with him. He’s so PRETTY.

BELLA: Yeah... by the way, Mike is excited that you had a good time.

JESSICA: OH MY GOSH TELL ME EVERYTHING.

READERS: Can we... move on from this teenage boy craze talk... please? PLEASE?

EDWARD: So I listened to everything through Jessica’s thoughts. Ignore how creepy that is.

BELLA: Stop dazzling me!

EDWARD: Golly, sorry.

BELLA: I know I know, you just can’t help it.

ACTUAL DIALOGUE: *is pretty much exactly that*

EDWARD: I like you more than you like me.

BELLA: Nu-uh, I like you more than you like me.

READERS: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

BELLA: I’m just so plain and ordinary!

READERS: COME ON.

EDWARD: Actually I know for a fact because I read minds - did I mention that? - that all the boys want to do you. You are the opposite of ordinary.

BELLA: Gosh that’s just silly, I don’t believe it.

READERS: I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS CONVERSATION IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING.

MORE CONVERSATION: *keeps going and is very... very... very dull*

BELLA: Tee hee. So can I see you hunt mountain lions you spoke of in this incredibly boring conversation?

EDWARD: OH MY GOSH NO.

BELLA: Will I be scared?

EDWARD: I wish. No. I’m going away now. NO NO NO. Bye.

---

Wat.

Stay tuned! Don't run away. Please. :(

CHAPTER ELEVEN

EDWARD AND BELLA: *sit very close to each other... this needs like ten paragraphs to mention*

BELLA: The new intensity between us is so amazing! Oh and you’re pretty. Have I mentioned that yet this chapter?

EDWARD: Bye now.

BELLA: Yay gym! I hate gym. Have I mentioned how clumsy I am and how believable it makes me?

MIKE: So you and Edward are a thing.

BELLA: This is a tiny school but I still somehow expect privacy about my dating life, MIKE. GADS.

MIKE: He wants to eat you!

BELLA: THAT IS SO FUNNY HA HA HA. Bye.

MIKE: >:(

BELLA: HI EDWARD I LOVE YOU.

EDWARD: Mike is annoying me.

BELLA: I am shocked for some reason that you listened!

EDWARD: Am... I supposed to... apologize, or...?

BELLA: YES. And explain why I can’t see you hunt and why you freaked like a freaky freak.

EDWARD: Yeah I’d probably eat you if you were there. By the way tomorrow I get to ask questions and spawn pages and pages of boring facts about your oh-so-special life. Bye.

*later*

DREAMS WITH EDWARD: *are becoming a regular character*

CHARLIE: So are you sure you’re not going to the dance?

BELLA: DROP IT DAD, GADS.

EDWARD: Hi I’m here and my voice is silky. I just now noticed how OFTEN that is mentioned...

BELLA: Tee hee you’re pretty!

EDWARD: What’s your favorite color?

READERS: *sob*

BELLA: Today it’s brown because brown is warm and Washington isn’t warm and my life is so HARD and everything here is so COLD and I hate it!

EDWARD: ... Yeah brown is warm.

EDWARD’S ANNOYING QUESTIONS: *mercifully cut out... for the most part*

EDWARD: What’s your favorite gemstone?

BELLA: TOPAZ. Oh how embarrassing.

EDWARD: Uh. Why?

BELLA: It’s your eye color.

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: AWWWWW I WANT A MAN LIKE EDWARD.

EDWARD: I have to go now but I’ll ask eight thousand more questions tomorrow. OH CRAP HAVE TO GO NOW CRAP CRAP CRAP SO SCREWED BYE.

JACOB: Hi!

BILLY: *rar*

DRAMATIC MUSIC: Dun dun DUUUUNNN

END OF CHAPTER ELEVEN

---

What questions will Edward ask Bella? What will her favorite color be tomorrow? How pathetic is Bella on a scale of one to OVER 9000? Find out later! Maybe!

CHAPTER TWELVE OH DEAR HAMGOD AM I EVEN CLOSE TO DONE WITH THIS SHIT YET

BILLY: Hi!

CHARLIE: Hi!

JACOB: Hi again!

BELLA: Uh.

BILLY: Jacob wanted to see BEEEELLLAAA *nudge*

JACOB: D:

BELLA: Crap, another one.

JACOB: So I saw that nice car some one drove you home in but I don’t recognize him.

BELLA: Edward Cullen, isn’t he gorgeous?

JACOB: Uh, sure?

THIS ENTIRE SCENE: *is more or less useless*

THE NEXT MORNING: We couldn’t just skip straight to me, we had to add an extra two pages on THAT?

BELLA: YAY EDWARD. My life’s goal is to gaze upon his gorgeous face!

EDWARD: Sup. So do you have boyfriends?

BELLA: Not in Phoenix.

EDWARD: So I’m going to eat more cute animals tonight. You know, for your protection.

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: THAT IS SO ROMANTIC!

EDWARD: Life is very hard for me because me being with you is incredibly selfish and dangerous and my family doesn’t understand because they have actual logic.

BELLA: You poor thing! I want to comfort you and make all your pain go away!

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: THAT IS SO ROMANTIC!

ALICE: Hi. Edward, let’s go.

EDWARD: Don’t fall into a washing machine, Bella.

BELLA: You are so sweet! Bye.

*later*

BELLA: Gosh tomorrow in Seattle together is so important and our relationship is on the edge of a knife and is so dramatic.

READERS: ... Wait, really?

BELLA: There is nothing in the world more terrible than the thought of being away from him! I am committed to this relationship forever!

MIKE: Come to the dance despite the fact that you’ve repeatedly said no!

BELLA: GO AWAY.

*later*

BELLA: Dad you’re right, I’m not going to Seattle.

READERS: Huh?

BELLA: I’ll be at home. You’ll be gone all day fishing and it’ll be okay.

CHARLIE: Okay!

*later*

BELLA: Gosh everything is so intense and I could never cut Edward out of my life because my life is ABOUT him.

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: THAT IS SO ROMANTIC!

READERS: *headdesk*

*later*

BELLA: Ah, what a nice morning! I’m glad the cold drugs I took to sleep worked!

READERS: Now there’s an example for America’s youth.

BELLA: OMG EDWARD HI.

EDWARD: We match clothes, we’re like a real couple now. Anyway let’s take your old deadbeat truck to Seattle. But we’re hiking first.

BELLA: I MIGHT EMBARRASS MYSELF BY FALLING! I mean I might die too, BUT EMBARRASSMENT.

EDWARD: Do people know we’re together?

BELLA: No I lied to everyone.

EDWARD: ARE YOU SUICIDAL?

READERS: Wait, what?

EDWARD: So you’re worried about me. That’s dumb.

READERS: .... I feel like I skipped something.

BELLA: Let’s go up this non-trail, you jerk.

EDWARD: Okay.

*later*

EDWARD: Okay we’re here... in sunlight.

DRAMATIC MUSIC: Dun dun DUUUNNNN!

END OF CHAPTER TWELVE

---

Gasp! What could possibly happen to Edward in the sunlight! Stay tuned to find out the dazzling truth about vampires!

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

EDWARD: *sparkles*

A PAUSE: *is needed*

EDWARD: ... *sparkles*

BELLA: *extra dazzled*

EDWARD: *FREAKING SPARKLES WHAT THE HEX*

BELLA: Oh Edward you are just too beautiful to be real, your skin is so smooth and perfect and cool and your eyes are like butterscotch and beautiful and perfect.

EDWARD: Don’t I scare you?

READERS: YOU’RE freakING SPARKLING, WHAT THE HELL IS SCARY ABOUT THAT.

BELLA: Do you mind if I touch your hand? Is that okay?

EDWARD: Touch aaall you want.

PORN MUSIC: Bow chika bow wow.

BELLA: Your breath smells tasty.

EDWARD: NO NO NO I’M A PREDATOR AND I AM SUCKING YOU IN. But don’t be scared I swear not to hurt you ever.

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: THAT IS SO ROMANTIC!

BELLA: I want you more than I should!

EDWARD: Which is why I should go! But I won’t because I’m selfish and want to stay.

BELLA: Yay!

EDWARD: NO NOT YAY, NEVER YAY. I am dangerous!

READERS: Are we seriously repeating this conversation again?

EDWARD: You smell better than anyone ever. And I wanted to eat you so I ran away but came back and you still smell good. I’ll take about three pages to explain this fully, though. You are the most important thing in the world to me, despite the fact that my biggest and possibly only attraction to you is how you smell.

BELLA: I feel the same way!

EDWARD: You’re an idiot.

THREE MORE PAGES: *is all about snuggling and cheek and neck touching... that is seriously IT*

EDWARD: Let’s run really fast. I’ll carry you.

BELLA: Yay!

*later*

BELLA: Okay not so yay.

EDWARD: Let’s try kissing!

KISSING: *is all amazing and shocking and seriously doesn’t actually work like that and millions of thirteen year old fangirls are going to be very disappointed when they kiss a real person*

BELLA: That was awesome!

EDWARD: I didn’t eat you! Yay! Let’s go now.

BELLA: Okay but I’m driving.

EDWARD: Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. You’re intoxicated by my presence.

THAT LINE RIGHT THERE: *is an actual honest-to-God direct quote what the hell*

BELLA: Tee hee okay!

END OF CHAPTER THIRTEEN

---

Will Edward and Bella ever make it to Seattle? Do we even give a damn? HOW CAN ANYONE TAKE SPARKLING VAMPIRES SERIOUSLY!? Find out - or don't - in the next chapter! Stay tuned!

CHAPTER FOURTEEN I SERIOUSLY HAD TO TAKE A LONG BREAK BEFORE CONTINUING THIS, IT IS TRYING TO STEAL MY ENTIRE BRAIN

BELLA: So how old are you?

EDWARD: Old.

BORING BACKSTORY: *explodes all over the place*

EDWARD: ... and then we all came here and enrolled in high shcool.

BELLA: ... Uh, WHY?

EDWARD: Hamgod only knows. But anyway, there are a few vampires in the world and we run into each other sometimes because we prefer it up north where we wouldn’t cause car accidents by being so dazzling.

BELLA’S STOMACH: OKAY SERIOUSLY THIS IS GREAT AND ALL BUT I’M WAY TOO EMPTY TO KEEP ON.

EDWARD: Okay let’s go back to your house where I know where the key is since I stalked you.

BELLA: That’s so flattering!

EDWARD: Yeah I’m here pretty much every night. You talk in your sleep.

BELLA: OKAY NOW I’M MAD, WHAT DID I SAY.

EDWARD: Well a lot of stuff.

BELLA: About you, a lot!?

EDWARD: Hey it’s cool, I’d dream about you if I dreamed.

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: THAT IS SO ROMANTIC!

READERS: Actually it’s... it’s kind of creepy.

EDWARD: Bye now.

CHARLIE: I’m home! Hey why aren’t you dating Mike?

BELLA: GAD DAD HE’S JUST A FRIEND.

CHARLIE: Okay. Good night.

EDWARD: I’m still here.

BELLA: Yay! Stay with me and wait until I’m fresh and clean.

EDWARD: Okay.

BELLA: Okay I’m back and it’s nice to be able to be close to you and you’re driving me crazy.

EDWARD: Well it’s all going to be okay because I’ve decided I definitely won’t eat you. But if I can’t resist I’ll leave. It’ll be hard tomorrow because I’ve smelled you too much.

BELLA: So don’t leave!

EDWARD: Sounds good. Bring on the shackles - I’m your slave.

THAT QUOTE THERE: *is accurate... I swear*

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: OMG COPYRIGHT.

EDWARD: I AM SO JEALOUS, BY THE WAY. Stupid Mike.

MORE BORING CONVERSATION THAT REAL DATING TEENAGERS DON’T HAVE: *blah blah... blah blah blah... blah*

BELLA: So can we have sex at some point, or...?

EDWARD: Well I might crush your skull so I’m not really so sure about that.

BELLA: But you still want to do me, right?

EDWARD: Oh, yeah, totally.

BELLA: Good, good. Sing me to sleep.

END OF CHAPTER FOURTEEN

--

What will happen next? Will Edward crush Bella's skull while she sleeps? Are we that lucky? Only time will tell! Stay tuned for more of this epic true romance!

CHAPTER FIFTEEN YAYAY WE’RE MORE THAN HALFWAY THROUGH, THE END IS IN SIGHT

BELLA: Yawwwn, another morning OHMYGOSH

EDWARD: Yeah I’m still here.

BELLA: Yay you’re still here!

EDWARD: ... Yeah. By the way you say you loved me in your sleep.

BELLA: Oh you knew that already, tee hee!

EDWARD: You are my life now.

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: THAT IS SO ROMANTIC!

READERS: No! Creepy!

EDWARD: So, want to meet the family?

BELLA: Uh sure. Did the one who sees the future see me coming?

EDWARD: Something like that. So are you going to introduce me to your father as your boyfriend? Since that’s normal and he needs to know why I’m around so much.

BELLA: I always want you here, FOREVER.

THAT: *is somehow not obsessively creepy... seriously fangirls, what the HELL*

EDWARD: Go get dressed.

BELLA: *does so* Okay I’m decent!

EDWARD: Nonsense, you are tempting.

READERS: LOL WHAT

EDWARD: So... I should explain how tempting you are? *kiss*

(wait for it)

(wait)

(seriously)

BELLA: *faints*

(yeah. YEAH.)

EDWARD: What the hell...?

BELLA: You kissed me and I fainted! You are so godlike!

(SHE FAINTED, PEOPLE. SHE FREAKING FAINTED)

EDWARD: Okay, well, let’s go, weirdo.

(FAINTED)

*later*

BELLA: Nice house your family has. It’s... charming.

EDWARD: *pulls her ponytail (no, seriously)* Ha ha, Bella.

CARLISLE AKA DOCTOR AND ESME: Hey what’s up.

ALICE: YO WHAT’S UP! Hi Bella! Wow you do smell nice.

BELLA: Thank... you...?

JASPER: *glower loom glower* I mean hi.

*later*

EDWARD: I will play pretty piano music while everyone subtly leaves to give us aloooone time. They like you, except the two not here, they’re a bit weird.

BELLA: So why is Alice so enthusiastic?

EDWARD: I’m going to pointedly change the subject.

PLOT: *sleepily looks up* Is... is that me again, or...?

PLOTLESS CRAPPY ROMANCE: Nah I think it’s me.

PLOT: *sigh*

BELLA: So what’s going on?

EDWARD: Alice saw some visitors coming and I’ll probably be extra protective of you. They hunt humans... probably won’t go into town but I’ll follow you even more obsessively than normal.

BELLA: Well okay then. Let’s see the rest of the house!

EDWARD: Yeah check out this huge cross Carlisle made when he was human. He’s pretty old and his dad burned vampires when he could catch them. He got attacked and hid so his dad wouldn’t kill him and then he was a vampire.

BELLA: Oh.

EDWARD: More questions?

READERS: Yeah. WHERE’S THE PLOT?

PLOT: :(

END OF CHAPTER FIFTEEN

--

OH NOES! Strangers coming to town! Stephanie Meyer desperately trying to force us to be more interested in Edward and Bella! Stay tuned to find out if she manages! Spoiler: she won't.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

CARLISLE: Hi there, the two of you who just walked into my office.

EDWARD: Tell her about yourself.

CARLISLE: Nah I’m on my way out, but you go ahead. Bye.

BELLA: So what happened after he became a vampire?

EDWARD: Tried to kill himself and swam to France because we don’t need to breathe.

BELLA: WAIT WHAT.

EDWARD: Now you won’t love me!

BELLA: No we’re cool. So, Carlisle swam to France...

EDWARD: Right. Swam and studied and saved humans for years and years and now he’s immune to them pretty much. He hung out with vampires he didn’t like and moved and met me and turned me and that’s about it. Oh except I rebelled for a while and hunted humans but it wasn’t long and now I’m cool again.

BELLA: Oh okay.

EDWARD: You make me happy.

BELLA: Good. I’m not going to run away because you’re not scary.

EDWARD: *pounces her...no seriously... and pins her on a couch*

BELLA: Okay okay you’re scary! Let me go, tee hee.

ALICE: Hi! Sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, thought we’d see if you would share.

BELLA: What.

JASPER: Emmett wants to play ball in the storm tonight.

BELLA: What.

JASPER: It’s okay, Alice says it’s safe for you to be in it.

BELLA: What.

EDWARD: We’ll be playing baseball while you watch.

BELLA: What.

END OF CHAPTER SIXTEEN

--

Baseball? Seriously?

Stay tuned!

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN... I THINK WE’RE SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO HAVE A CHAPTER ABOUT VAMPIRES PLAYING BASEBALL

(There is some crap here about Jacob and Billy being at Charlie’s house and Edward is butthurt about it and leaves. It’s probably crap, I skimmed)

BILLY: Jacob go out to the car for a stupid reason so I’m alone with Bella.

JACOB: Okay!

BILLY: Bella, the Cullens have a reputation.

BELLA: I know more than you do, HA.

BILLY: Well stop what you’re doing.

JACOB: Hey that stupid reason I went out the car isn’t actually there.

BILLY: We’ll leave then, bye.

JACOB: Aww, poo.

BELLA: Jerk.

PHONE: *rings*

JESSICA: BELLA OHMYGAWSH THE DANCE WAS SOOO GREAT AND STUFF HAPPENED THAT ISN’T IMPORTANT AND MIKE KISSED ME AND ARE YOU LISTENING AT ALL, GEEZ. So what’d you do?

BELLA: Nothing much.

JESSICA: So... EDWARD?

CHARLIE: I’M HOME HI.

JESSICA: Oh your dad’s there, lame. Bye.

CHARLIE: So what’d you do today?

BELLA: Hung out, went to the Cullens.

CHARLIE: Wait what.

BELLA: Yeah I’m going out with Edward.

CHARLIE: He’s too old!

BELLA: HOW DID YOU KNO-- I mean, he’s only a junior like me. He’s the youngest, the beautiful one, the godlike one. But yeah keep the boyfriend talk down, it’s embarrassing. He’ll be here in a few minutes and we’re playing baseball with his family.

EDWARD: Hi there, I’m taking your daughter out.

CHARLIE: ... Well okay. Bye you crazy kids!

EDWARD: We’re running there. Oh, and you smell good in the rain.

BELLA: I’m scared!

EDWARD: It’s okay I’ll barely kiss you and you’ll feel fine.

BELLA: You’re right, how silly of me!

EDWARD: Now time for you to overreact to something I say so we can waste a couple of pages describing in annoying detail how much our hearts flutter at each other!

BELLA: Oh that’s my favorite.

CULLENS: Jeez, what took so long? Damn kids.

ESME: I don’t play so I’ll sit with you and act stereotypically motherly. Did you know I lost a baby? Yeah he was only a few days old and I jumped off a cliff. Edward was the first of my new sons. You’re all right for him, see, so I’m happy for him that he’s happy.

THE BASEBALL: *is remarkably boring... WHY is this in the book again?*

ALICE: WAIT EVERYONE STOP I’M SEEING IN THE FUTURE.

CULLENS: What.

ALICE: The visitors that were just barely hinted at are coming a lot quicker and it’s kind of our fault for playing baseball.

READERS: ...

EDWARD: Less than five minutes, they want to play.

EMMETT: How many?

ALICE: Oh, just three.

EMMETT: Oh screw that, no big deal.

EDWARD: BELLA STAY WITH ME.

BELLA: Uh okay.

EDWARD: And cover your skin with your hair.

ALICE: What the hell, dude. That won’t actually DO anything.

BELLA: So how screwed am I?

READERS: WELL IF WE’RE LUCKY...

END OF CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

--

How screwed is Bella? WILL we get lucky? Stay tuned!

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

THREE VAMPIRES: *appear out of nowhere, two men and one woman* *they are dirty and more wild looking*

BELLA: Ew they’re not nearly as pretty as you, Edward.

NEW VAMPIRES: Hey guys, can we play?

CULLENS: Well we’re kind of done, so, you know... no.

NEW VAMPIRES: Well we can totally hang later, right? So where do you guys like to eat around here?

CULLENS: Hey how about you come to our house! We’ll tell you all about us and where we live and for how long and how we only eat animals because we’re not evil and gross like you!

NEW VAMPIRES: Well we could use a good wash-up.

CULLENS: Cool. Don’t eat anyone here, though.

NEW VAMPIRES: Oh no problem, man. We’re full anyway.

CULLANS: Greeeat! Great. Cool. Okay uh, Emmett, Alice, go with Edward and Bella to the--

NEW VAMPIRE NAMED JAMES: WHOA WHOA HOLD UP.

EDWARD: *GROWL*

NEW VAMPIRE NAMED LAURENT: Whoa, what the hell...

CARLISLE: Oh her, yeah, she’s with us, nothing to worry about.

LAURENT: Dude, I don’t know if you’ve noticed this? But she’s a human.

CARLISLE: Yeah we got it.

EDWARD: Well fun times, let’s get going Bella.

BELLA: *finally wakes the hell up in the jeep* WHOA WTF.

EDWARD: Yeah we’re leaving town.

BELLA: WHOA WTF.

ALICE: Edward, dude, chill.

EDWARD: NO HE WANTS TO EAT BELLA. JUST BELLA BECAUSE SHE’S SPECIAL.

BELLA: He’s got a point, I really am. BUT I CAN’T LEAVE CHARLIE.

ALICE: Yeah man, not cool.

EDWARD: But we’d have to kill him!

ALICE: ... Is that... bad? You know there’s another plan...

EDWARD: NU-UH.

BELLA: I have a plan.

*silence*

I SAID, I HAVE A--

EDWARD: I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR.

BELLA: Look I’ll go home and tell Charlie I’m leaving to Phoenix and he’ll cry and we’ll fight and the evil vampire will find out I left and he won’t hurt him and it’ll all work out.

EDWARD: Okay.

BELLA: Also, I’m smarter than you.

ALICE AND EMMETT: Wow Bella’s so special and clever. Edward you should listen to her.

EDWARD: NO.

BELLA: No it’s cool we’ll all live in Phoenix and you guys have to stay indoors all the time but it works.

ALICE: Yeah it’s cool.

EDWARD: NO. Well okay. But if anything happens to you it’s your fault.

BELLA: ... Okay?

PLOT: So... wait hang on, THIS is me? THIS? A baseball game and suddenly Bella has yet ANOTHER person sniffing at her butt? COULD THIS GET ANY WORSE?

POSSIBILITY OF THE EVIL VAMPIRE OBSESSING OVER BELLA: Yeah. Yeah it could get worse. Trust me.

END OF CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

---

Will the new vampire be helpless against Bella's magical Mary Sue powers? Will Edward flip his obsessive boyfriend shit? Stay tuned to see if I care!

CHAPTER NINETEEN

EMMETT: Okay you’re safe to go inside and we’ll protect you forever.

BELLA: I met you today and yet I’m crying that I’ll never see you again! It’s cool though dude. Oh and Edward I love you forever and ever.

EDWARD: Just go inside and do what you have to.

BELLA: Okay, don’t listen to me. GO AWAY. *slams the door*

EDWARD: Wait wha...?

CHARLIE: Bella, wtf!

BELLA: I AM MAD AT EDWARD AND BROKE UP WITH HIM, DAD. ALSO DON’T COME IN MY ROOM.

EDWARD. I have your clothes, hurry outside

BELLA: I’M LEAVING FOREVER SO I DON’T GET MARRIED AND STAY HERE!

CHARLIE: Your mom will be here in a week, you can just wait you know.

BELLA: What? Uh. Crap. WELL I HATE FORKS AND I’M LEAVING I’LL CALL YOU TOMORROW SO THERE.

*later*

EDWARD: I’ll drive, you don’t even know where you’re going. The evil vampire is following and won’t hurt your dad and the vampire is close and he’ll probably catch up. By the way I didn’t know this life was boring you.

BELLA: Did you completely miss the part where it was an act? Besides I just said what my mom said when she left him.

READERS: Wow, way to be a bitch.

EDWARD: Bella it’ll be okay.

BELLA: NOT WHEN I’M NOT WITH YOU. Nevermind my life being in danger and my father being in danger and possibly angry and hurt and never forgiving me... BUT I WON’T HAVE MY BOYFRIEND. I mean why does bad stuff always happen to me?

EDWARD: Because you smell good. No seriously, that’s about the entire premise of this entire... everything.

READERS: Oh, well, as long as it makes sense.

BELLA: Will you be in danger?

READERS: HAVEN’T WE COVERED THIS.

EDWARD: We’re fine at the house for now.

*at the house*

LAURENT: Yeah uh. Sorry about the snarling idiot. Can’t do much to stop him though. Seriously, dudes, is it worth it?

EDWARD: EDWARD SMASH ROAR HISS.

LAURENT: Yeah okay, whatever. I’m out.

EDWARD: Right, well, we’re all going to head out and kill him. Rosalie, go get Bella some clothes.

ROSALIE: Dude forget that, she’s the one putting us all in danger here.

EDWARD: Esme then, whatever.

ESME: Let’s trade clothes so he’ll get confused.

*they do so*

BELLA: Oh wonderful.

EDWARD: Okay we’re all splitting up.

ALICE: It’ll kind of work but not really.

EDWARD: BELLA KISSY. Bye now.

JASPER: By the way Bella I can tell that you’re still fighting your Mary Sue abilities, but trust me, everyone worships the ground you stand on and will be happy to be chopped into pieces and burned alive for you so you don’t need to worry about that.

BELLA: I am so TRAGIC.

END OF CHAPTER NINETEEN

---

Can Bella become any more of a stupid bitch? Stay tuned to find out! (Spoiler: Yes. Yes she can.)

CHAPTER TWENTY HEX WHEN DOES THIS END

PLOT: I’m still not convinced that this is me. I mean seriously, hundreds of pages of googly eyes and unrealistic stalkerish controlling romance and fainting and head-crushing-sex-talk and the best thing I can do to make up for all that is introducing ANOTHER BELLA-OBSESSED VAMPIRE? THAT’S IT!? I may overdose on pain medication and die for this. Stephanie Meyer, you are a heartless bitch.

BELLA: I’m in a strange hotel room and only vaguely remember falling asleep against Alice’s neck and all the fandom’s nonexistent femmeslash fans woke up from sleeping through this book. I only remember one thing, or maybe a few things...

*earlier*

JASPER: Which way to the airport?

BELLA: That way. Wait, are we flying?

ALICE: No, we’re just going to be close just in case.

BELLA: Thanks for the heavy sarcasm, geez.

ALICE: ... No, I’m serious. Gad Edward’s right, you are stupid.

*now again*

ALICE: Hey you look like crap. Here’s some food, Edward told me before you left that you... you know, eat.

JASPER: You don’t have anything to worry about, Bella. Edward is fine and we’ll all be fine. Like I said, you must embrace the fact that you’re a Mary Sue and we’ll all follow you to the grave just to protect you.

ALICE: Yeah but we’ll use the excuse of “Edward loves you and we want him happy” and not have it be ALL about you. It’s just, you know... okay so it’s all about you, ARE YOU HAPPY?

BELLA: Oh Edward! So do you think everyone is okay?

ALICE: Yeah pretty much. I will always be truthful.

BELLA: Right, right. So how does some one become a vampire?

ALICE: Yeah Edward put that in the “no no” discussion list. But I’ll tell you anyway. We’re venomous and if we bite some one they’re poisoned so it’s easier to kill them but if we DON’T kill them then after a few days they’re a vampire and the process sort of sucks. Not that I actually remember any of this. OH CRAP I HAVE A VISION OF A ROOM BUT IT’S NOT HAPPENING YET OH CRAP OH CRAP. Mirrors, VCR, dark...

PHONE: *rings*

ALICE: Oh hey, what’s up. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh no he didn’t, girl, you have got to-- what’s he saying? Oh geez. Fine, give him the phone. BELLA IT’S FOR YOU.

BELLA: EDWARD?? OMG EDWARD.

EDWARD: BELLA

BELLA: EDWARD

EDWARD: BELLA

BELLA: EDWARD

EDWARD: BELLA

BELLA: EDWARD

EDWARD: BELLA

BELLA: EDWARD

EDWARD: BELLA

BELLA: EDWARD. How’s Charlie?

EDWARD: Oh he’s fine, it’s all good, we’ll find the evil vampire again and chop him up for real this time. I miss you, you’ve taken half of my self with you. I love you.

BELLA: Come and get it then! I love you.

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: THAT IS SO ROMANTIC!

BELLA: Bye now.

ALICE: *doodle*

BELLA: HEY I USED TO DANCE THERE! OMG.

ALICE: Seriously? It’s the same room?

BELLA: Well maybe. I don’t know. It’s here in Phoenix though.

ALICE: Well that could potentially suck.

BELLA: OMG I HAVE TO CALL MY MOMMY. *ring* MOM, it’s me, call me back on this number and don’t go anywhere OR YOU’LL DIE.

THREE MORE REALLY UNNECESSARY PARAGRAPHS: *end the chapter*

END OF CHAPTER TWENTY

---

What on Earth will happen? Will Plot finally give up and kill himself? Will Edward and Bella ever develop personalities or purposes outside of their ~*~true love~*~? Stay tuned, as always!

TWENTY-ONE... AND IT’S CALLED “THE PHONE CALL”... THIS IS GOING TO BE ANOTHER VERY STUPID CHAPTER, ISN’T IT? PLOT, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?

PLOT: *sobs, swallows pills*

FAIR ENOUGH

BELLA: Hey Jasper, is Alice seeing any more freaky crap?

JASPER: Yeah but it won’t make any sense until some big shocking reveal at the end or something.

BELLA: That’s my mom’s house!

JASPER: Well that was quick.

ALICE: Bella, snap out of it, Edward and Carlisle are coming so they can take you somewhere.

BELLA: EDWARD??? YAY EDWARD. He’s my whole life you know.

ALICE: ... Yeah.

BELLA: I’m going to stare at a wall for three hours.

ALICE: Your mom is calling.

BELLA: MOMMY! Hey mom be cool okay.

EVIL VAMPIRE: Hey it’s me.

BELLA: ... Crap.

EVIL VAMPIRE: Make it seem like it’s still your mom, I like it when girls do that.

BELLA: Uh... okay... mom?

EVIL VAMPIRE: Good, good, what are you wearing?

BELLA: What?

EVIL VAMPIRE: I mean uh, get away from your friends at some point, think that’d be doable? With your mother’s life at stake. Because if you bring anyone I can kill her pretty easily, you know that, right? Anyway come to the house when you get free and they’ll be a number that you can call and I’ll tell you where to go. Got it?

BELLA: Yeah sounds good.

EVIL VAMPIRE: Tell your mommy you love her now. Say it nice and slow.

BELLA: I... love you... mom?

EVIL VAMPIRE: Yeees. Okay see ya.

BELLA: Hey Alice, I’m writing a note for my mom, will you leave it at her house?

ALICE: Sure.

BELLA: *note to Edward* EDWARD BABY I LOVE YOU AND I’M SORRY I’M BEING OUTRAGEOUSLY STUPID, BYE SCHNOOKUMS.

END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

---

Will Bella DIE? :D :D :D Stay tuned!!!

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

...

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, SCREW IT

THE REST OF THE BOOK: *is boring*

BELLA: *gets the crap kicked out of her and it’s amazing how boring that scene actually is*

EDWARD: *saves her*

READERS: *aren’t surprised and find this incredibly predictable and stupid*

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: THAT IS SO ROMANTIC.

PLOT: *never really shows up and probably committed suicide*

THE END

READERS: So this is what a lobotomy feels like!

BELLA: I LOVE EDWARD.

--

Not only am I about to go to bed but this is actually how I ended the write-up and where I stopped reading. I couldn't do it. But I knew how it ended and that was enough for me.

And now... so do you.